Caught my 13 year old brother looking at porn...

[mgargan1]

Okay, well... I didn't walk in on him, but i found it on the computer... (it's a communal computer, but he's the only one that uses it).

he tried to hide the movies under the music folder (not too sneaky) and he didn't erase his browser history...

What would you guys do? Mind you I'm 23, he's 13, my dad died in May so there's no male figure in his life besides me, he's going to be looking at porn soon anyways, but he's too young right now.

 

[jamesi]

Okay, well... I didn't walk in on him, but i found it on the computer... (it's a communal computer, but he's the only one that uses it).

he tried to hide the movies under the music folder (not too sneaky) and he didn't erase his browser history...

What would you guys do? Mind you I'm 23, he's 13, my dad died in May so there's no male figure in his life besides me, he's going to be looking at porn soon anyways, but he's too young right now.

i would talk to him about definitely. he has to understand that its ok to be curious but he is too young to really understand those feelings. also, id really point out how porn is not reality

 

[Queso]

He's not too young at all. That's the age when hormones kick in. Also the age my younger brother was when I accidentally walked in on him.

In the absence of your father, you may want to have that chat. Best of luck.

 

[takao]

i would pack all files in a non-automatic searchable archive and hide it somewhere else only leaving back a note in the folder wishing him luck finding it again
he will appreciate the challenge

edit: and the age is normal
i would write the thing you want to say in the note

or add a riddle saying that when he writes down every fifth letter of your message he will get the file name .. that way he will read your words/note carefully (also add that he can always talk to you if he has any questions etc.)

that would be enough to give him the "you got caught" feeling but wouldn't put him in a talk which, for most teenagers might be quite embarrassing

 

[3nm]

i think it's pretty normal and wouldn't worry about it. i'd just let it be unless he's getting really obsessed. just be careful if you wanna talk to him, most of us (if not all) had been there and we know how we didn't want anyone to find out.

make sure to have him clean the keyboard/mouse and the surroundings on a regular basis though.

 

[Maxiseller]

I'm 21 now and although my days of porn are behind me (Long term girlfriend! ) it is a problematic area as a young teenager and I certainly wouldn't advise getting into it as it is very difficult to get out of, especially at that age.

The problem is that soft core leads to hard core, and that leads to worse etc etc and before you know it the lines between reality and high-on-coke slu*ts that "act" in these things are difficult to distinguish.

I would talk to him, have "that" chat (although most 13 year old guys are pretty aware of everything anyway so don't be too infantalising about how it is wrong (because all his mates will be doing it too!) just say it's not appropriate on a family computer and that his quest for a girlfriend is much better!

 

[3nm]

his quest for a girlfriend is much better!

just gotta be clear on why "the quest for a gf is much better" though. you don't want the thirteen-year-old to have any wrong perceptions.

 

[carbonmotion]

porn is great as long as you talk to him about being a respectful person to women

 

[Abstract]

He's 13? What took him so long!

Yes, I'd talk to him about it, but don't try to sound like a father. You're his cooler, older younger brother, and he's not going to listen to you if you start throwing your weight around as if you're not "just" his brother.

 

[redAPPLE]

porn is great as long as you talk to him about being a respectful person to women

hey. all the p0rn i have seen seemed as though all the women are happy.

He's 13? What took him so long!

Yes, I'd talk to him about it, but don't try to sound like a father. You're his cooler, older younger brother, and he's not going to listen to you if you start throwing your weight around as if you're not "just" his brother.

how about watching it with him. if i were a dad right now, i would surely do that to my son.

 

[carbonmotion]

hey. all the p0rn i have seen seemed as though all the women are happy.

im gonna assume that youre kidding...

 

[atari1356]

Just tell him to stay away from the horse stuff, and the midgets... definitely stay away from the midgets. Probably not the granny's either.

(sorry, just thinking about the ridiculous spam email I get on a daily basis... time to change email addresses. )

 

[someguy]

Just tell him if he keeps at it, he will get hairy palms and everyone will know what he's been up to.

 

[p71]

how about watching it with him. if i were a dad right now, i would surely do that to my son.

I'm not sure it would be appropriate, moreover it would sure be awkward for him.

In any case, I wouldn't be too concerned, when I was his age I prolly was doing the same thing. Within 3-5 years he won't be as obsessed with porn anyways. Of course just make sure the computer area is clear

Most important thing is its normal and you shouldn't be to concerned.

 

[grafikat]

The movies are a natural evolution of the girlie magazines under the bed. What you need to be concerned about is what type of movies he is collecting. If they are violent or demeaning, you may have issues that have to be addressed.

The "talk" is not necessarily about sex itself, but about responsibility. To himself and any potential partners when he's mature enough. The "waiting until you find the right one" speech is always good, though he'll probably (at least mentally) roll his eyes.

My mom gave me that speech around 14, and I still remember her words 30 years later "Sex is pretty powerful stuff, kid. It's not to be taken lightly. I know you're curious, but you have to be ready for it, or the consquences will be huge ... or make you huge" Of course I remember rolling my eyes, but it did stick with me. The fear of getting pregnant is always a little higher in a girl, I suppose!


What ever you do, don't bring on the guilts. This can lead to deceptivness about sex, which is never a good attitude. Keep it casual, kind of like "wow, I wanted to play iTunes and got an eyefull, dude!", and let the conversation go from there....

 

[kretzy]

Just tell him if he keeps at it, he will get hairy palms and everyone will know what he's been up to.

And let's not forget the blindness that comes with it too.

Seriously, I don't think it's a big problem for the reasons others have already mentioned. Maybe just have a casual chat about it with him if you have any concerns, otherwise don't worry about it too much. Just think back to what you were like at his age.

 

[jsw]

I don't see anything wrong with a 13-year-old viewing porn as long as someone - like you - makes sure he understands the porn industry enough to know what goes on behind the scenes.

Some of the women truly enjoy what they're doing and think it's great to be paid to do that. Some don't mind and think it's good for them that they can get paid to get naked. Many feel exploited to some extent. And that's just soft-core porn.

Hard-core stuff? Most of the women aren't even remotely enjoying it.

It's fine to look at and watch it, and it's fine for him to explore his own sexuality. As long as - which others pointed out - he understands that this is from an industry that promotes fantasy. Most girls/women don't look like that - and even those girls don't look like that normally - and a lot of them are not enjoying the process.

But, assuming he understands all that? 13 isn't too young at all. I don't see porn as the gateway to underage sex that others seem to; I see it as a preventative outlet for sexual tension at least as often, if not more so, than it is a lure to premature sex.

 

[p71]

ALSO this is very important. I know many kids get on a P2P network and get there porn, and many of those P2P networks have so called 'Child Pornography' of course it would be his own age level and I'd imagine thats what he is looking up, alarming as it maybe when you sit back and think about it, its not that bad. But of course alert him its illegal, if nothing else it will just keep is safer.

I know of a few stories I saw in the news where minors were arrested for having "Child Pornography" even though it was same age level porn.

 

[Keebler]

first off, condolences on your father's passing.

you are the man of the house now and he needs you more than ever. he might not show it, but you have to lead him in all aspects of life. especially at this age when he starts feeling and wondering about a ton of stuff...and not just porn. be there for him at all times. i was 18 when my Dad died and I wasn't there as much as I should have been for my 15 yr old brother and some stuff happened b/c i wasn't. i regret that.

have a talk with him about it. while p0rn can be fun to look at, it can also lead to the wrong impressions about a healthy sexual life and at 13, he is very, very impressionable. the type where impressions will last a long, long time.

good luck,
keebler

 

[Angelus]

Given his age i'd say that's not something to worry about. You should talk to him however to clear up one or two things. The main thing you need to address is that its ok to look at pornography in order to explore his own sexuality. However, he needs to understand that porn is not reality and that contrary to how some of the women in these movies act, women in the real world deserve respect. Also while its fine to explore his sexuality, relationships are not just about sex. If they are, they get boring very quickly. The best relationships are the ones where you can share a part of yourself with your partner.

All that being said, I'd say there's nothing to worry about. He's 13 and just doing what the hormones tell him. If anything I'd be happy that he's exploring his body on his own instead of going out and having sex with any girl.

 

[D0ct0rteeth]

i think it's pretty normal and wouldn't worry about it. i'd just let it be unless he's getting really obsessed. just be careful if you wanna talk to him, most of us (if not all) had been there and we know how we didn't want anyone to find out.

Given his age i'd say that's not something to worry about. You should talk to him however to clear up one or two things. The main thing you need to address is that its ok to look at pornography in order to explore his own sexuality. However, he needs to understand that porn is not reality and that contrary to how some of the women in these movies act, women in the real world deserve respect. Also while its fine to explore his sexuality, relationships are not just about sex. If they are, they get boring very quickly. The best relationships are the ones where you can share a part of yourself with your partner.

All that being said, I'd say there's nothing to worry about. He's 13 and just doing what the hormones tell him. If anything I'd be happy that he's exploring his body on his own instead of going out and having sex with any girl.

Exactly. I got started right around there. There's nothing wrong with it. He's fine. Actually if anything this is the huge sign hat you need to have a very important talk with him.

Just wait for the right time to talk to him, talk with openness, honesty and grace. Be prepared to talk openly (not graphically - but educative) about your sexual experiences and relationships with women as an adult male, and be supportive and mentoring thru the process.

There is a lot of responsibility and opportunity for this to be a great defining conversation for him and how he will look at sex/relationships going forward, and it can set the framework for how he will talk about sex with his wife/children - just be sure to be calm and mentoring, and not punitive and judgemental, or else you will lose the ability to teach and mentor - he will continue looking at porn no matter what you do, just seize this opportuniy to talk about "how" adults should lok at porn, and what the adult "attitude" and "role" is about sexuality.

- Doc

 

[lamina]

The internet really is a weird place.

On the same thumbnail site that you find softcore, you can find some really hardcore stuff.

The only difference between 'Man and Wife Love' and 'Throat Gaggers' is a single click.

There probably is nothing you can do to keep him away from it, but be sure to educate him on how damaging pornography can be - how in time it has the ability to change his perception on women. Tell him to imagine his mother (sorry dood) in those kinds of scenes, or his best female friend.

 

[yojitani]

I was around 13 when the same thing happened to me - though with physical magazine (there wasn't internet at that time!). My dad just told me to hide it better next time and don't let my mom find it. What else could he have done??

To the OP: what do you think the effect of your talk is going to be on him? You were a teen not all that long ago. When your parents asked you not to do something did you stop? Most kids don't, they just find other ways of doing the same thing. As a dad, I'd be much more concerned if my son were playing violent video games or looking at sites like ogrish or rotten.
Anyway, before you take the dad role, you might want to read up on ways to deal with things like this. It shouldn't be that foreign to you since it was only 10 years ago you were the same age, going through the same things. I would say that it is a bad idea if you try to be your father. Still, you might even try to get some guidance from your father's friends.

YT

There probably is nothing you can do to keep him away from it, but be sure to educate him on how damaging pornography can be - how in time it has the ability to change his perception on women. Tell him to imagine his mother (sorry dood) in those kinds of scenes, or his best female friend.

don't do that!

With respect to the different views being expressed here, there seems to be the underlying, sanctimonious, assumption that pornography is necessarily damaging. While there is no denying the exploitation of men and women involved in the porn industry, porn is fantasy. Problems arise when people, not just kids, can't separate their ordinary lives from fantasy. The argument that porn changes a man's perceptions of women is really not all that different from arguing that marijuana is a gateway drug.

 

[mgargan1]

don't do that!

With respect to the different views being expressed here, there seems to be the underlying, sanctimonious, assumption that pornography is necessarily damaging. While there is no denying the exploitation of men and women involved in the porn industry, porn is fantasy. Problems arise when people, not just kids, can't separate their ordinary lives from fantasy. The argument that porn changes a man's perceptions of women is really not all that different from arguing that marijuana is a gateway drug.

First of all, thanks for everyone's help... and keep the advice coming!

Yojitani, while i disagree with you on your view of porn on someone my age... I tend to agree with you on someone my brother's age.

Here's the thing, he's going to look at it no matter what I do, whether he does it at a friends house or what. I don't think he's looking at porn to do what people normally do when they look at porn. I think he is just curious as to what a naked girl looks like.

Unfortunately, my first instinct was to delete the movie... it was some amateur movie that didn't really show much. But, I do know that I need to have a talk with him, and be the older brother, not my dad.

But thanks for all the advice, and I'd love to hear more.

 

[lamina]

...be the older brother, not my dad.

Great choice. No doubt in my mind he looks up to you like no one else, I know my brothers do. Coming from you, I'm sure he will take what you have to say to heart.