Do you think this resume is good enough

[louieeeeeeee]

Here is my cover letter:

xxxxx xxxxx
xxx xxxxxxxx road
Leighton Buzzard
LU7 xxx
DoB: xx/xx/97

Home: 01525xxxxxx
Mobile: 07xxxxxxxxx
Email: xxxxxxx@hotmail.com

Apple retail store: xxxxxx xxxxxx - xxxxxxxxx place

Dear Apple Managers,

I have been aware of opportunities at Apple, and would like to enquire about any possible openings for the job roles of, Specialist, Inventory Specialist and Genius. I am applying for these 3 roles as I like aspects of each. As a specialist I would like helping customers pick a relevant product and be happy with their decision. As a Genius, I would like solving peoples problems with their tech and repairing hardware as I am keen to learn as much as I can from all of these roles. And an Inventory specialist, as I like to face new challenges and using my initiative to solve new problems as they arise.

I am currently a upper/high school student at xxxxxx xxxxx school, I have a large knowledge of information technology, software and hardware. I also enjoy discussing with people what product they wish to purchase for their personal or business needs or offering relevant advice for technical issues. I am also familiar with Apples range of products including, iPhone, Mac, and the software in between.

My resume below contains additional details about my skills and experiences within IT. I hope I will be considered for a role within Apple and appreciate the time taken to read my resume. I can be contacted by email and by phone which are listed above if you wish to ask for any more information. As I am 16 I can only work part time only, but I can do very flexible hours.

I patiently await your response and hope to hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely,


xxxxx xxxxx


And my resume:

Objective:
A placement as an apple Specialist, Genius or Inventory specialist, to use my knowledge of apple products as well as software to help the customer swiftly and easily solve any problems they may have. To help customers identify which product they need and help them to set up said product.

Skills/Qualities:
I am currently taking my GCSE’s at xxxxxx xxxxx school,recently moving from xxxxxxx xxxxx school, and I am predicted the following grades; English: B, Maths:B,Science:B,Business Studies: B. I am also familiar with Apple products as I have been using them since 2007. I have also have had a keen interest in computers since very young and since have gained a large knowledge of computers and mobile devices such as phones or tablets.

My friends have always seen me as the person to come too when they're having problems with any of their computers or phones and I am always keen to help them as it helps me develop my knowledge of IT and i'm happy when a problem bugging someone is resolved. I also have some knowledge of hardware used in computers and how a computer works as I have built and set up 2 custom PC’s using my knowledge of processors, graphics cards, motherboards and RAM to build a high end PC capable of editing HD video and playing the most graphics intensive games, and I would be eager to learn about the hardware used in a Mac, iPhone or iPad.

I believe I could help customers to define what they are looking for from Apple and to help them make the right decision for their needs. I am very patient ,a good listener so I believe I could help any customer understand the product and its features so they are immediately familiar with the technology.

I have done previous unofficial warehousing work for a friends dad in the past at a builders merchants.
My main roles were:
Shelving stock from the warehouse when new stock came in to take its place
Guiding the forklift to put the right stock in the right place according to index
Using initiative to prioritise what needed to be shelved in the shop and stacked in the warehouse
Helping some customers to find the product they were looking for inside the shop

I am also an avid gamer and because of this have a lot of experience comparing recommended specs to the specs of my computer including the CPU speed (GHz), Graphics card and RAM.

Special skills:
Microsoft office
iTunes
Mac OS X
Complete familiarity with the Windows operating system, which would allow me to easily help people to make the transition from Windows to Mac. This will also help me to troubleshoot Apple programs running on Windows PC’s or laptops.

Academic and personal references available on request.


Please give me advice on how i could better this and if there is anything i should remove or change?

 

[Shrink]

Here is my cover letter:

xxxxx xxxxx
xxx xxxxxxxx road
Leighton Buzzard
LU7 xxx
DoB: xx/xx/97

Home: 01525xxxxxx
Mobile: 07xxxxxxxxx
Email: xxxxxxx@hotmail.com

Apple retail store: xxxxxx xxxxxx - xxxxxxxxx place

Dear Apple Managers,

I have been aware of opportunities at Apple, and would like to enquire about any possible openings for the job roles of, Specialist, Inventory Specialist and Genius. I am applying for these 3 roles as I like aspects of each. As a specialist I would like helping customers pick a relevant product and be happy with their decision. As a Genius, I would like solving peoples problems with their tech and repairing hardware as I am keen to learn as much as I can from all of these roles. And an Inventory specialist, as I like to face new challenges and using my initiative to solve new problems as they arise.

I am currently a upper/high school student at xxxxxx xxxxx school, I have a large knowledge of information technology, software and hardware. I also enjoy discussing with people what product they wish to purchase for their personal or business needs or offering relevant advice for technical issues. I am also familiar with Apples range of products including, iPhone, Mac, and the software in between.

My resume below contains additional details about my skills and experiences within IT. I hope I will be considered for a role within Apple and appreciate the time taken to read my resume. I can be contacted by email and by phone which are listed above if you wish to ask for any more information. As I am 16 I can only work part time only, but I can do very flexible hours.

I patiently await your response and hope to hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely,


xxxxx xxxxx


And my resume:

Objective:
A placement as an apple Specialist, Genius or Inventory specialist, to use my knowledge of apple products as well as software to help the customer swiftly and easily solve any problems they may have. To help customers identify which product they need and help them to set up said product.

Skills/Qualities:
I am currently taking my GCSE’s at xxxxxx xxxxx school,recently moving from xxxxxxx xxxxx school, and I am predicted the following grades; English: B, Maths:B,Science:B,Business Studies: B. I am also familiar with Apple products as I have been using them since 2007. I have also have had a keen interest in computers since very young and since have gained a large knowledge of computers and mobile devices such as phones or tablets.

My friends have always seen me as the person to come too when they're having problems with any of their computers or phones and I am always keen to help them as it helps me develop my knowledge of IT and i'm happy when a problem bugging someone is resolved. I also have some knowledge of hardware used in computers and how a computer works as I have built and set up 2 custom PC’s using my knowledge of processors, graphics cards, motherboards and RAM to build a high end PC capable of editing HD video and playing the most graphics intensive games, and I would be eager to learn about the hardware used in a Mac, iPhone or iPad.

I believe I could help customers to define what they are looking for from Apple and to help them make the right decision for their needs. I am very patient ,a good listener so I believe I could help any customer understand the product and its features so they are immediately familiar with the technology.

I have done previous unofficial warehousing work for a friends dad in the past at a builders merchants.
My main roles were:
Shelving stock from the warehouse when new stock came in to take its place
Guiding the forklift to put the right stock in the right place according to index
Using initiative to prioritise what needed to be shelved in the shop and stacked in the warehouse
Helping some customers to find the product they were looking for inside the shop

I am also an avid gamer and because of this have a lot of experience comparing recommended specs to the specs of my computer including the CPU speed (GHz), Graphics card and RAM.

Special skills:
Microsoft office
iTunes
Mac OS X
Complete familiarity with the Windows operating system, which would allow me to easily help people to make the transition from Windows to Mac. This will also help me to troubleshoot Apple programs running on Windows PC’s or laptops.

Academic and personal references available on request.


Please give me advice on how i could better this and if there is anything i should remove or change?

OK...first you should know I'm from a time when Resumés were formal business communications. Things may well have changed, but I think your sentences are too long and informal.

I've highlighted few of the punctuation errors, and what I consider improper usage.

A few examples..."friends dad"...friend's is a possessive, and should have an apostrophe. The word "dad" is much too informal...if you are going to mention your friend's "dad", it should be "father". The word "role" might be better as "position", or something of the kind.

"Bugging"! Much too informal..."bothering", disturbing", "upsetting"...but anything but "bugging".

"a upper high school" should be "an upper...."

"large knowledge" not an English usage, perhaps..."extensive knowledge"," in depth knowledge"..."large knowledge" is...ah...not English.

Again, my ideas may well be outdated...I expect a business letter, or resumé, to be formal, succinct, well edited and proofread, with proper punctuation, usage, and syntax.

I think you need to tighten this up, and really do some careful proofreading, editing and pruning.

I'm sorry if this sounds very critical...no offense intended.

 

[louieeeeeeee]

thanks for the advice, this is my first resume so i appreciate all criticism and i need all the help i can get

 

[Shrink]

thanks for the advice, this is my first resume so i appreciate all criticism and i need all the help i can get

You're welcome.

There are books available specifically about writing business correspondence, resumés, and the like. Many grammar books also have sections about this topic. You might want to do a search and see what comes up. This will get you started. Also, if you have a business course in your high school, you might consult with the teacher.

Good luck...