Do you think this will impress Apple!? [Apple Retail Job-Related]

[VolceOntra]

So, I've been wanting to work with them for a while now. I'm not really an Apple geek, but I love their product lines and I'm familiar with most of their programs for OSX.

I know there are probably grammar/spelling errors and feel free to correct me. Any advice/tips from other designer more then welcome!

Also.... make sure you have Flash 9 or else it might look janked up. Hopefully this will help me stand out!

CLICK HERE TO SEE LINK [UPDATED X3]

Also, feel free to tell me if it's bad that I'm using some of their icon's, or if I should put something saying that the icons are "x"
s property.

 

[mattthemutt]

So, I've been wanting to work with them for a while now. I'm not really an Apple geek, but I love their product lines and I'm familiar with most of their programs for OSX.

I know there are probably grammar/spelling errors and feel free to correct me. Any advice/tips from other designer more then welcome!

Also.... make sure you have Flash 9 or else it might look janked up. Hopefully this will help me stand out!

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT I'm TALKING ABOUT

Also, feel free to tell me if it's bad that I'm using some of their icon's, or if I should put something saying that the icons are "x"
s property.

Wow. I wish I could do that with Flash.

That's quite the resumé. If you're just going to give it to them, I'd be surprised if they'd care you were using their icons.

 

[BigPrince]

take out the (33 months) in almost 3 years. looked weird to me for some reason.

anyway, very very nice. I would of hired you. See if you can get it to transition
faster or maybe it was just my browser. Overall good job and good luck.

 

[Clarence]

looks great, your a shoe-in.

now take it down, or at least hide your personal info!

 

[VolceOntra]

!*!*!*...thanks Clarence! Def. forgot about that! WILL UPDATE!

 

[iBookG4user]

!*!*!*...thanks Clarence! Def. forgot about that! WILL UPDATE!

You might also want to take down the contact information of your references.

 

[VolceOntra]

Okay...I updated it again, sorry about that....numbers removed for privacy!

 

[pianoman]

i look at that and i think it looks neat and shows your ability to work with Flash, but it seems like you're trying too hard. most employers want to look at a resume, read your qualifications, and move on. they don't want to click on links. everything should just be there. also, the text of your preferred schedule was a bit difficult to read.

from someone who's applied to his share of jobs and who's been in a position to hire others, i would be slightly impressed with the product but turned off by the fact that it's not very straightforward.

 

[VolceOntra]

i look at that and i think it looks neat and shows your ability to work with Flash, but it seems like you're trying too hard. most employers want to look at a resume, read your qualifications, and move on. they don't want to click on links. everything should just be there. also, the text of your preferred schedule was a bit difficult to read.

from someone who's applied to his share of jobs and who's been in a position to hire others, i would be slightly impressed with the product but turned off by the fact that it's not very straightforward.

I plan on also submitting a traditional paper resume and there will also be a PDF format available to be downloaded. I agree about the text in the schedule.

 

[Leareth]

typo

more then should be more THAN...in the 18 months retail area.

 

[gauchogolfer]

Another typo:
I'm assuming your friend really works at Barnes and Noble.

 

[VolceOntra]

Thank you everyone so much for helping me....If you can find anymore errors/typeos/or tips...feel free to tell me, I'm going to study for finals now and I will update everything that is new tommorrow and publish an updated build!

THANK YOU!

 

[ejb190]

I took just a quick look. (It's past my bed time.)
There are a number of odd verb tenses and grammar that bug me.
- In experience, you start two sentences with "I know."
- Drop the "!"'s. A period will do.
- "and maybe in the corporate world one day!" - where are you trying to go with this?
- I would drop "the retail giant". One way or another you have an extra coma in there.

I might sound nitpicky, but by putting it here you tell me you are serious about getting feedback and getting it right. Set the whole thing aside for a day or two, then go back and read it aloud. The presentation is wonderful. Just polish the content!

 

[VolceOntra]

I took just a quick look. (It's past my bed time.)
There are a number of odd verb tenses and grammar that bug me.
- In experience, you start two sentences with "I know."
- Drop the "!"'s. A period will do.
- "and maybe in the corporate world one day!" - where are you trying to go with this?
- I would drop "the retail giant". One way or another you have an extra coma in there.

Well, after I graduate and get more experience, I would love to work at Apple (Corporate), but for now I'm aiming for retail. I'm sure by my name, you could tell English is probably not my native tongue. I'm pretty good, but I have my flaws still. I'll take your advice and do some tweaking.

More (constructive) criticism please

 

[ReanimationLP]

I wouldnt put your myspace account on there, personally. They'll probably check it and judge you based on what it contains.

Just a tip though.

I agree with the other posters though, I think they aren't going to want to take the time to look over the flash site, and click links.

Nice design though. Its nice, but kinda slow to load.

 

[USMaC]

One way or another you have an extra coma in there.

Extra commas are bad enough, but extra comas really can't be excused

 

[davidjearly]

Spelling mistakes on the 'Experience' page:

'assisstance' should be 'assistance',

'warrenty' should be 'warranty',

'usefull' should be 'useful',

'loss prevenation' should be 'loss prevention'.

I agree about the use of ! - I'd use it less often/not at all.

I don't like the way you have phrased some things (although it's great for English not being a native language). For example, you said:

"I know those skills and my experience with cell phone terminology and technology would prove useful when the iPhone launches in late June".

There is too many 'ands' in this sentence.

I would rephrase:

"I am confident that my previous experience in the cellular industry would enable me to work efficiently..."

I would also change:

"My know-how on how to speak to customers..." to,

"I am comfortable in my ability to communicate effectively with customers, solve problems and sell products, as demonstrated from experience gained in previous positions."

On the whole though, I like the concept/design very much and these are just small things to give you some other ideas on how to phrase things (although I can't stress enough the importance of good spelling in these situations).

For me, when I put something in my C.V., I always attempt to back up what I am saying with evidence. It leaves the employer less things to ask in the interview and allows you to work from it if you can remember what you have written.

Hope this helps! Good luck with your application!

David

EDIT: Another thing I notice is that in nav menu at the bottom, "Why Apple?" is offset lower than "Experience" & "Contacts". Just trying to be thorough...

 

[thesnowman16]

wow i would employ you for sure!

 

[MovieCutter]

Wow, seems like major overkill. I just casually filled out an application online, did and interview, and got the job..but whatever works for you.