Embarrassing problem re: MBP, OCD, and video recording

[anon12]

I hope the mods don't mind, but I created a second SN expressly for asking this question. I've uniquely identified myself enough with my other SN that I believe people could recognize who I am possibly.

I have very severe OCD (along with other anxiety problems). I guess everyone thinks their OCD is unique and I do as well. My most prominent OCD for the last decade or so has been with recording ideas and thoughts. It started about 8 years ago with me writing down the times of day I took my medication. Then I started recording more and more details of my life on scraps of paper, notebooks, whatever I could find until it exhausted me. Then I thought I had found a savior: typing it all out on my computer. Still I wrote more and more and it exhausted me. Then I thought I found another savior: I created audio recordings on my computer when I needed "talk time." This turned into audio recording all day long. Which then turned into audio recording all day and night long, which has now turned into video recording myself 24 hours a day. I know as you're reading this you're probably thinking get professional help, why are you telling us this, but I do have and have had professional help since I was 15 years old. I've had a pretty rough life since my early teenage years. Unfortunately, I was put on a medication by a doctor at that age that I have never been able to get off of. It causes memory loss and that is why I no longer trust myself. People around me say it is just my OCD. And I know it is OCD. I just believe it is OCD along with having a very impaired mind and memory. I don't trust myself without being on video. I think of at as a nanny. To make sure I don't get something septic (one of my other OCDs, that I will get things around me septic if I don't follow the right precautions), to make sure I don't forget my medicine or accidentally take it twice, to make sure I don't sleep walk and take pills or poison myself in some way (another OCD that I will accidentally poison myself which I worry is more likely when I am always feeling impaired and confused and making gaffes--I should be clear I am not suicidal--worrying about accidentally hurting yourself is a common OCD). And I truly do feel impaired. I truly do not trust myself. There's also the issue of me wishing I had recorded myself my entire life. I really have a hard time feeling like I exist in the present moment let alone remembering anything from earlier in my life. I can remember certain things, but not a normal amount. I had to leave college in a traumatic way some 8 years ago and I was in therapy for about three years with a particular therapist and I don't feel like I can remember one thing we talked about. It's a frightening feeling for someone who wants to be in control. I don't remember what my every day life was like during that period. Everything feels very unreal and my memory seems barely there. The computer gives me comfort, that if I had to, I could look back and see what I was doing, what I talked about, what I was saying. I feel like it's the memory I don't have. On the other hand I'd like to protect my computer and be able to shut the g'damn thing once in a while, or just once!

Part of me wants to stop recording very badly because I like to keep things nice and I feel every day like I am probably ruining my computer. I have a relatively new MacBook Pro 13", but recording with it (QuickTime Pro on medium settings) it is constantly hot and the fans are constantly going and it constanly uses 30% of the CPU. I even have a stool in my bathroom where I place it if I have to use the toilet, shower, or sink. I carry it with me everywhere.

I should also explain because it probably wouldn't be obvious that when I am by myself, I am frequently frequently talking to myself, analyzing myself my thoughts. Every thought, every consideration, every minutia of everything is just spoken out loud so it gets recorded. It would be nice to close the computer sometimes.

I realize writing this to people who don't know me how bizarre this must sound which is refreshing. It is so normal to me, my family and doctors. ANd i know you're thinking why don't you just go off the drug, why doesn't your doctor help you, why would your doctor put you on an addictive drug, you have to do something, but when you're here, when you've been at this as long as I have, you just know some things they just don't care about and some things you just live with and there's not much more to do. I could tell you that I am on a drug that was known to be more addictive than heroin in the 1960s and yet I was put on indefinitely in 1997 as a child and it can cause death if you withdraw from it and I can tell you that yes even if I saw another psychiatrist there's not much they can do and they usually even encourage me to increase the dose, and that even now the doctors will admit very little about the impairment and addiction it causes, but I don't normally say that because people tend to not believe me and I sound like a victim but I guess I said it all indirectly anyhow.

The brave challenge to my OCD would be if I just used an audio recorder (which I have) to audio record myself during the day. I don't know if it is a risk I should take. I already feel exhausted all the time and it would be very stressful to switch and I feel like I would have to exponentially increase my narration of what I am doing in order to make up for the lack of video.

And to think this is just one of my OCDs and OCD is just one of my problems in life. Arggg....

I guess in a strange way I am asking both for people's thoughts on the damage I do to my computer and also any sort of opinions on whether I should be brave and just audio record myself. Or if there are any alternatives. I even thought of getting a home security system to video tape myself but it made me feel creepier about myself than I already do. I wish I were on a reality show! I wouldn't have to worry about it. I guess I could just video tape myself when I take my pills. I have a total of 11 pills a day to take and with the video I feel very secure that I know I am taking them at the right time and the right amount. Regarding the computer I just feel like I am ruining it or already have because of the wear on the hard disk constantly being written to, the processor constantly running to encode the video, and the heat.

I'm surprised I am writing this. I have been videotaping myself like this for a couple of years and I guess I am just wanting to move past it now.

And I know I know I should talk to my doctors. They know all of this. And I will share this writing with them.

I'm sorry if this was too disturbing to read for anyone. It's one of those things I am very surprised to write about. It's my everyday life, yet something that is to me normal, but I don't talk about. I guess part of me feels less and less connected to the OCD and wants to move on. I want to be free of it. It's just that this one in particular seems partially necessary as I mentioned because of my feeling of impairment and constant confusion and making mental gaffes. So, again, advice on both the OCD itself and other ways to possibly video record myself without taxing the computer would be welcome.

 

[tman07]

I have a question for you, how long do you keep the recorded video? Do you ever watch it, or do you just use it as a security precaution? It sounds like a crazy story.

I know of a program (iStopMotion)that can take pictures throughout the day, at selected time periods (anywhere from 1 second to how ever many hours you want) and at the end puts them all into a video, where again, you can tell it how many frames per second you want to watch it at, each picture being a frame, obv. It would be less strain on your computer, and you can still watch yourself through out the day if you need to. The only downfall however, is that it doesnt use audio... which may help with you talking to yourself more? Maybe perhaps using more body language will help?

I also like the idea that you came up with. Try using the video cam only when you are taking the meds, then perhaps using just the audio recorder (or istopmotion) through out the rest of the day.

I am no professional in this area, just a few suggestions that may or maynot help. Take them as you want, they are just suggestions.

 

[anon12]

I have a question for you, how long do you keep the recorded video? Do you ever watch it, or do you just use it as a security precaution? It sounds like a crazy story.

I know of a program (iStopMotion)that can take pictures throughout the day, at selected time periods (anywhere from 1 second to how ever many hours you want) and at the end puts them all into a video, where again, you can tell it how many frames per second you want to watch it at, each picture being a frame, obv. It would be less strain on your computer, and you can still watch yourself through out the day if you need to. The only downfall however, is that it doesnt use audio... which may help with you talking to yourself more? Maybe perhaps using more body language will help?

I also like the idea that you came up with. Try using the video cam only when you are taking the meds, then perhaps using just the audio recorder (or istopmotion) through out the rest of the day.

I am no professional in this area, just a few suggestions that may or maynot help. Take them as you want, they are just suggestions.

I will look into istopmotion. I was trying out evomotion just the other day and it was a bit complicated.

I have never erased any recordings. When the hard disk starts to get full I dump them onto an external disk. As far as looking back on them, I very rarely do. There are times where I am missing a pill in my medicine bag where I have scrubbed back through the video to find out if the bag for that day started with a pill missing etc and it has been helpful in those cases. So yes sometimes I look, but it's more often a security. It also happened to serve a very poignant role at one point. My grandmother who lives in a different country died very suddenly several years ago. I could not remember the last time I had talked to her, and I certainly did not remember what our conversation was about or what she had said. Seriously, zero recollection. At the time I was audio recording, not video recording, and I know that recording without other people's permission is creepy, but I seriously never have done it to record anyone but me, but in this case I incidentally did. I checked to make sure and recording, by carrying a recording notebook or an audio recorder in your pocket is not illegal. So anyhow, I went back through all my audio recordings to find the last time I had talked to her, which was the last time also anyone in my family had talked to her. It had only been a month before she died. We had a long conversation about a lot of things, and at the end of the conversation she said something I hadn't quite caught the first time, but on a second hearing, I recognized she said, "Thank you that you exist." (translation) It was very important for me to have that. Without that, I literally would not have known when we last had talked and I would not have remembered her saying that or anything we had talked about.

That is very sentimental I know, and it's truly the only time something like that has happened. That the recording has been of emotional benefit like that. Part of it is that I also think my thoughts are so unique and strange and it's so hard to convey all of my problems to my therapist that I feel like getting all my thoughts out constantly I am creating an important record that if a therapist ever cared enough might look at. I feel like a therapist looking at video of my life for a week would be more telling than years of going once a week for 45 minutes. My therapist knows I record myself. He says he doesn't understand it, and isn't too interested in it.

I will look into iStopmotion. I could use it in conjunction with an audio recorder in my pocket.

 

[jecapaga]

Feeling a little OCD with your lack of paragraph structure. Sorry, I wasn't able to read your post.

 

[anon12]

Feeling a little OCD with your lack of paragraph structure. Sorry, I wasn't able to read your post.

It was long, but this is the Internet not a 6th grade essay. It was perfectly understandable. And fortunately for you, I don't get the feeling you are actually "feeling OCD."

 

[jecapaga]

It was long, but this is the Internet not a 6th grade essay. It was perfectly understandable. And fortunately for you, I don't get the feeling you are actually "feeling OCD."

Doesn't matter if it's the internet, the 6th grade or your mom. If you want people to read and possibly respond if they are so inclined, don't make it so difficult to read. As you can also tell, the flood of replies to your original post are not numerous.

And I don't mean to make light of OCD.

 

[Thomas Veil]

The best advice I can give you is the simplest: check back with your doctor. If his therapy or medication for you isn't working, tell him to try something else. If he has nothing else for you, then start over with another doctor. Literally start over. Tell them about the memory impairment, the OCD and everything else, and let them see it from a fresh angle.

Also, you need not to be alone. It sounds like you need someone checking up on you daily.

And if I were you, I would be really cautious about starting to post your problem to strangers in internet forums such as this one. Given how you describe your obsessive-compulsive behavior, you may find yourself tempted to post again...and again...and again.....

 

[andalusia]

Sorry, but I don't have any advice or information for you regarding this subject. I'd just like to say it was interesting to read and I thank you for sharing it to the community. I hope your condition gets more manageable.

 

[greygray]

That sure was a long post! But anyway OP, keep us updated on how you're doing. Good luck!

 

[KilGil27]

I think you should make your own show, I'd watch

 

[yg17]

I have a question for you, how long do you keep the recorded video? Do you ever watch it, or do you just use it as a security precaution? It sounds like a crazy story.

I know of a program (iStopMotion)that can take pictures throughout the day, at selected time periods (anywhere from 1 second to how ever many hours you want) and at the end puts them all into a video, where again, you can tell it how many frames per second you want to watch it at, each picture being a frame, obv. It would be less strain on your computer, and you can still watch yourself through out the day if you need to. The only downfall however, is that it doesnt use audio... which may help with you talking to yourself more? Maybe perhaps using more body language will help?

I also like the idea that you came up with. Try using the video cam only when you are taking the meds, then perhaps using just the audio recorder (or istopmotion) through out the rest of the day.

I am no professional in this area, just a few suggestions that may or maynot help. Take them as you want, they are just suggestions.

iStopMotion isn't the answer to his problem. Getting real, professional help so he no longer has the need to record everything is.

That is why you don't ask nerds for mental health advice on the internet

 

[GoCubsGo]

I hope the mods don't mind, but I created a second SN expressly for asking this question. I've uniquely identified myself enough with my other SN that I believe people could recognize who I am possibly.

If the mods do not mind that you created a second name I would be rather surprised as it goes against the very rules of this forum.

Instantly Bannable Offenses

Multiple registration. You may register only one account, and if you were banned or given a temporary forum time-out, you may not reregister. Reinstatement can come only from an administrator.

Found here.

 

[thejadedmonkey]

If the mods do not mind that you created a second name I would be rather surprised as it goes against the very rules of this forum.



Found here.

I would be very upset with the mods of this forum if they do ban/close this thread. This is obviously a serious issue, and the OP does not want to/does not feel comfortable enough to be open about it. I do not think the OP's request for privacy is too much to ask for.

To the OP: Have you ever asked someone to follow you throughout the day, and then compare your memory of the day to theirs? Sometimes you don't remember things because it's not necessary. Without going into the psychology behind memory, you can go through an average day in a retail position and never need to remember anything you did the next day. This is not a problem that you have, but just how a human being's memory is designed to work. Fact: The average high school student who is bribed with extra credit to remember all of the stories on a newscast, can not remember 60% after 10 minutes. Do not fear not always remembering everything.

Also, there is a great quote from the movie K-Pax, where the protagonist Prot says that all humans have the ability to heal themselves. To extrapolate, I think what you are doing is saying "I want to not be so OCD, where do I start". And I would respond, you start by doing, even if it is just baby steps.

Disclaimer: I'm no psychologist, don't think I am one.

 

[swingerofbirch]

I apologize could a moderator please delete my post.

 

[swingerofbirch]

I apologize could a moderator please delete my post.