I distinctly remember lusting after the latest greatest technology - and when it came to computers and whatnot, Apple always whet my appetite. I couldn’t WAIT to find out what they would dream up next, because I knew it would be the most awesomest thing I could ever want - and if ever I got the money together, then oohhhh…. I loved that feeling!
Now? Sadly, very sadly - I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but now…
Every time Apple introduces something new, I’m just incredibly annoyed by it. I don’t just hate it - I think that anyone who would buy it must be a completely vapid moron. I literally think to myself, “No!?! What IDIOT would ever want something like THAT? Why - that’s just… beyond disgustingly pretentious and completely idiotic...”
For whatever reason, I’m now embarrassed that pretty much every computer I've ever owned was made by “that company”. I don’t wish to be associated with those people.
Yes, obviously, there’s something very wrong with me. But I can manage that okay - there always has been something very wrong with me. But Apple? Apple was always striving for perfection. That’s not anything I ever held myself up to.
But I do think that Apple has gone hopelessly “disco”. Or, since Millennials and whatnot have no idea how incredibly awful “disco” really was, I guess maybe I should just call it “emoji”? Hopefully they'll come to that understanding soon enough?
Anyway, in no particular order, here’s the list of everything I currently hate about the products being pushed by the company I used to love:
1.) Face Scanning. You have to be a complete and utter idiot to wish to use your face to unlock a stupid phone, or any other device. And there must be something mentally wrong with you if you then use that same technology to animate an emoji. For that, there is absolutely no justification. The only possible excuse for using your face to animate a Poop or a unicorn would be if you were already daft enough to be singing along to your favorite Justin Bieber track, mimicking whatever idiotic facial expressions HE was making while posting the horrible song to YouTube when he was 12. There is just no excuse for any of it. I can’t think of any reason for that stupid technology to exist, and I’m embarrassed for anyone who would actually use it.
And, if you’re spending a GRAND to use it - that just makes me truly sad for our world - a world where people who have enough money to afford such stupid toys are also poor enough to line up at Apple to buy the idiotic things? Sadly, for me - it just means the world is apparently full of morons who all love the SAME brand that I once thought was so freakin’ awesome? How did this happen?
2.) Face Scanners. I’ve already started in on it, but Apple shot some truly idiotic ads aimed at the morons who might wish to have their face scanned, purportedly showing examples of how these morons might use the technology - and… wow. The only even slightly creative use of the technology seems to be the girl who puts on lots of different styles of makeup. Which brings me to -
I thought Apple once appealed to creative people? But now - it’s just a consumer brand for vapid idiots? Again, it’s neat that the pretty girl can change out her makeup - not even slightly cool or interesting that she’d then wish to then scan her face with an iPhone. You’d hope she’d have better and much more interesting things to do. But nope - according to the commercial, she just puts on tons of makeup to animate Mr. Poop emoji. Yep. But wait - there’s MORE -
3.) Augmented Reality. Oh HEY - there’s a Pokemon under the tree in my front yard! YEA POKEMON!!! I GOTTA CATCH EM ALL!!!!
Guess what? They’ve all been caught. Yep, that fad is dead. Not coming back - or at least I hope not? So they’ve all been caught and I don’t wish that fad to be augmented - so…
Oh look, there’s a dinosaur coming down my street! Yeah… no… that’s not even slightly the least bit interesting whatsoever at all. Not even for as long as it would take to download the dinosaur to see it come down my street. It's just dumb.
But hey, we’re dealing with rich kids who sing along to Justin Bieber - that’s the new target market - so what’s NEXT on the horizon? What’s gonna be HOT in 2018?
4.) MORE Notches! The problem with one notch is that it sticks out like a sore thumb. With Jony Ive done with Apple’s Paisley Menlo Park thingamajig, he’s BACK - and that notch will NOT stand. Not on its lonesome. So - I predict TWO notches in 2018, to keep things all nice and balanced and more pleasing to Sir Jony. And I know how to request it - I’ll just -
5.) Talk to my devices because I’m just so darn busy I can’t be bothered using my hands at all ever again any more please cut them off already - no, wait… okay, I still use them for that
- for now at least. I know this, because if the technology were ever gonna take off, THAT is the industry that’s the first to fully exploit it. So, given that industry isn't allowed to push ads during my football games, I instead hear OTHER companies pushing THEIR idiotic -
6.) Dumb Home Devices - for people who must be beyond flame retardant. These people must literally be drooling when they apparently always constantly LOSE their remote controls that they can so easily -
WITHOUT anyone EVER listening to EVERYTHING THEY SAY IN THEIR HOME ALL THE TIME CONSTANTLY - but hey, once Apple does it and charges a —ton MORE, then - well then we can trust it?
NO! I can change the channel myself. If I can’t, I need to stop watching TV altogether, because I must be getting perilously close to actually being completely braindead. I also need to get up to change the thermostat, turn on a light - if for no OTHER reason than to get off my lazy butt and do something other than veg out - EVEN if I plan to spend ALL DAY watching FOOTBALL.
I do NOT need to make the trade-off of sacrificing my home to 24/7 audio and video (face) surveillance because I've become that intolerably freakin' LAZY! I should at LEAST be pushing a button of some sort somewhere if I wish to have a network of computers LISTENING to me. SERIOUSLY? Okay - fine - then...
7.) Just because it’s a lucky number.
I dearly hope that - by the time I need a new computer - I can have taught myself around Windows 10. I hear it’s not that painful.
And it’s not that I hate Apple. It’s that I no longer wish to be associated with the people who use their products, or defend them here on MacRumors.
But really - it's mainly because I don’t want to pay extra to have a magic function touch row or have my face scanned or be a party of ANY of the other idiocy they will surely eventually force on all of us, because their new target market worships Justin Bieber because he’s just the awesomest!!!
My ONLY hope is that Apple stops going disco.
But given the likes of Tim Cook and Sir Jony - without Steve Jobs to point out, “Hey - no! I said NO stylus. Did you HEAR ME? Just STOP IT! No, I don't care HOW MUCH MONEY! Oh THAT MUCH - and $100 for the stylus? C'mon, they're not THAT stupid. Oh, THEY ARE!?! Okay - AWESOME!!!”
Nope, no one to tell the richest company in the whole entire world of Justin Bieber mega fans that Justin Bieber actually sucks. And that disco sucks. And that they are now just making the world suck that much harder.
It’s very depressing. And it’s not just going to the dark side, learning to deal with whatever nastiness is Windows 10...
It’s that I’d normally be really looking forward to the latest greatest from Apple. And now -
I just truly feel sorry for anyone who does. And feeling bad for them - knowing how stupid they must be - it really bothers me that they love the same brand that I loved so much -
Not so long ago, when they actually used to be so very awesome - before they decided to roll with the Bieber crowd and become the richest, biggest, nastiest wet poop emoji stain ever left on the crust of the earth.
Now? Sadly, very sadly - I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but now…
Every time Apple introduces something new, I’m just incredibly annoyed by it. I don’t just hate it - I think that anyone who would buy it must be a completely vapid moron. I literally think to myself, “No!?! What IDIOT would ever want something like THAT? Why - that’s just… beyond disgustingly pretentious and completely idiotic...”
For whatever reason, I’m now embarrassed that pretty much every computer I've ever owned was made by “that company”. I don’t wish to be associated with those people.
Yes, obviously, there’s something very wrong with me. But I can manage that okay - there always has been something very wrong with me. But Apple? Apple was always striving for perfection. That’s not anything I ever held myself up to.
But I do think that Apple has gone hopelessly “disco”. Or, since Millennials and whatnot have no idea how incredibly awful “disco” really was, I guess maybe I should just call it “emoji”? Hopefully they'll come to that understanding soon enough?
Anyway, in no particular order, here’s the list of everything I currently hate about the products being pushed by the company I used to love:
1.) Face Scanning. You have to be a complete and utter idiot to wish to use your face to unlock a stupid phone, or any other device. And there must be something mentally wrong with you if you then use that same technology to animate an emoji. For that, there is absolutely no justification. The only possible excuse for using your face to animate a Poop or a unicorn would be if you were already daft enough to be singing along to your favorite Justin Bieber track, mimicking whatever idiotic facial expressions HE was making while posting the horrible song to YouTube when he was 12. There is just no excuse for any of it. I can’t think of any reason for that stupid technology to exist, and I’m embarrassed for anyone who would actually use it.
And, if you’re spending a GRAND to use it - that just makes me truly sad for our world - a world where people who have enough money to afford such stupid toys are also poor enough to line up at Apple to buy the idiotic things? Sadly, for me - it just means the world is apparently full of morons who all love the SAME brand that I once thought was so freakin’ awesome? How did this happen?
2.) Face Scanners. I’ve already started in on it, but Apple shot some truly idiotic ads aimed at the morons who might wish to have their face scanned, purportedly showing examples of how these morons might use the technology - and… wow. The only even slightly creative use of the technology seems to be the girl who puts on lots of different styles of makeup. Which brings me to -
I thought Apple once appealed to creative people? But now - it’s just a consumer brand for vapid idiots? Again, it’s neat that the pretty girl can change out her makeup - not even slightly cool or interesting that she’d then wish to then scan her face with an iPhone. You’d hope she’d have better and much more interesting things to do. But nope - according to the commercial, she just puts on tons of makeup to animate Mr. Poop emoji. Yep. But wait - there’s MORE -
3.) Augmented Reality. Oh HEY - there’s a Pokemon under the tree in my front yard! YEA POKEMON!!! I GOTTA CATCH EM ALL!!!!
Guess what? They’ve all been caught. Yep, that fad is dead. Not coming back - or at least I hope not? So they’ve all been caught and I don’t wish that fad to be augmented - so…
Oh look, there’s a dinosaur coming down my street! Yeah… no… that’s not even slightly the least bit interesting whatsoever at all. Not even for as long as it would take to download the dinosaur to see it come down my street. It's just dumb.
But hey, we’re dealing with rich kids who sing along to Justin Bieber - that’s the new target market - so what’s NEXT on the horizon? What’s gonna be HOT in 2018?
4.) MORE Notches! The problem with one notch is that it sticks out like a sore thumb. With Jony Ive done with Apple’s Paisley Menlo Park thingamajig, he’s BACK - and that notch will NOT stand. Not on its lonesome. So - I predict TWO notches in 2018, to keep things all nice and balanced and more pleasing to Sir Jony. And I know how to request it - I’ll just -
5.) Talk to my devices because I’m just so darn busy I can’t be bothered using my hands at all ever again any more please cut them off already - no, wait… okay, I still use them for that
- for now at least. I know this, because if the technology were ever gonna take off, THAT is the industry that’s the first to fully exploit it. So, given that industry isn't allowed to push ads during my football games, I instead hear OTHER companies pushing THEIR idiotic -6.) Dumb Home Devices - for people who must be beyond flame retardant. These people must literally be drooling when they apparently always constantly LOSE their remote controls that they can so easily -
WITHOUT anyone EVER listening to EVERYTHING THEY SAY IN THEIR HOME ALL THE TIME CONSTANTLY - but hey, once Apple does it and charges a —ton MORE, then - well then we can trust it?
NO! I can change the channel myself. If I can’t, I need to stop watching TV altogether, because I must be getting perilously close to actually being completely braindead. I also need to get up to change the thermostat, turn on a light - if for no OTHER reason than to get off my lazy butt and do something other than veg out - EVEN if I plan to spend ALL DAY watching FOOTBALL.
I do NOT need to make the trade-off of sacrificing my home to 24/7 audio and video (face) surveillance because I've become that intolerably freakin' LAZY! I should at LEAST be pushing a button of some sort somewhere if I wish to have a network of computers LISTENING to me. SERIOUSLY? Okay - fine - then...
7.) Just because it’s a lucky number.
I dearly hope that - by the time I need a new computer - I can have taught myself around Windows 10. I hear it’s not that painful.
And it’s not that I hate Apple. It’s that I no longer wish to be associated with the people who use their products, or defend them here on MacRumors.
But really - it's mainly because I don’t want to pay extra to have a magic function touch row or have my face scanned or be a party of ANY of the other idiocy they will surely eventually force on all of us, because their new target market worships Justin Bieber because he’s just the awesomest!!!
My ONLY hope is that Apple stops going disco.
But given the likes of Tim Cook and Sir Jony - without Steve Jobs to point out, “Hey - no! I said NO stylus. Did you HEAR ME? Just STOP IT! No, I don't care HOW MUCH MONEY! Oh THAT MUCH - and $100 for the stylus? C'mon, they're not THAT stupid. Oh, THEY ARE!?! Okay - AWESOME!!!”
Nope, no one to tell the richest company in the whole entire world of Justin Bieber mega fans that Justin Bieber actually sucks. And that disco sucks. And that they are now just making the world suck that much harder.
It’s very depressing. And it’s not just going to the dark side, learning to deal with whatever nastiness is Windows 10...
It’s that I’d normally be really looking forward to the latest greatest from Apple. And now -
I just truly feel sorry for anyone who does. And feeling bad for them - knowing how stupid they must be - it really bothers me that they love the same brand that I loved so much -
Not so long ago, when they actually used to be so very awesome - before they decided to roll with the Bieber crowd and become the richest, biggest, nastiest wet poop emoji stain ever left on the crust of the earth.
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