Dear Apple iPhone Customers,
Theres been a lot of dialog about our recent iPhone 4 release and its ability to maintain connectivity while use by left handed customers who refuse to protect their precious works of art with a rubber jacket. Id like to take a moment out of my busy day to provide some valuable perspective on the subject and hopefully ease your minds a bit.
Let me first say that there is no problem with the iPhone 4. It is performing exactly as designed, and any defect or errors with the unit are simply the product of a deranged imagination that we have linked to a disorder that is created by a mind that cannot conceive of a flawless product record stretching back to 1976. We have been studying this neural paradox for some years. In the 1990s it led to many Windows users being institutionalized in that their minds could not come to grasps that despite Microsofts infinite revenue stream, their inferior operating system was always 10 years behind ours...even during our bad years before my return.
In regards to the claims that the iPhone 4 has reception issues. Clasping the phone in the predominately left hand and thus short circuiting the antennas signal and therefore any calls or connection in progress is a direct violation with the Terms of Service agreement required to activate the phone. It is a well known fact that left handed people are products of demonic spirits that have managed to sneak through the fabric of space and time. Apple has long had a policy to deny these freaks of nature the ability to telephone and or communicate with other left handed hell spawns. Their predominately evil prowess forbids them from thinking clearly, and therefore solving even elementary problems like outfitting their iPhone 4 with a rubber protective jacket. Rubber is also known to dampen their sensitivity for finding near by rips in the fabric of time in which they use to traverse the universe.
So in closing, the iPhone 4 is performing exactly as designed and was preordained by 5 out of 5 Christian sects globally. I would like to take this moment to formerly call on all our loyal Apple Fan Boys to take up arms against anyone you hear lodging complaints about the iPhone 4 and drive a wooden stake through their hearts. God did not create left handed people, Satan did.
Signed,
Steve Jobs
PS: Any rumors that I am left handed are completely false.
Theres been a lot of dialog about our recent iPhone 4 release and its ability to maintain connectivity while use by left handed customers who refuse to protect their precious works of art with a rubber jacket. Id like to take a moment out of my busy day to provide some valuable perspective on the subject and hopefully ease your minds a bit.
Let me first say that there is no problem with the iPhone 4. It is performing exactly as designed, and any defect or errors with the unit are simply the product of a deranged imagination that we have linked to a disorder that is created by a mind that cannot conceive of a flawless product record stretching back to 1976. We have been studying this neural paradox for some years. In the 1990s it led to many Windows users being institutionalized in that their minds could not come to grasps that despite Microsofts infinite revenue stream, their inferior operating system was always 10 years behind ours...even during our bad years before my return.
In regards to the claims that the iPhone 4 has reception issues. Clasping the phone in the predominately left hand and thus short circuiting the antennas signal and therefore any calls or connection in progress is a direct violation with the Terms of Service agreement required to activate the phone. It is a well known fact that left handed people are products of demonic spirits that have managed to sneak through the fabric of space and time. Apple has long had a policy to deny these freaks of nature the ability to telephone and or communicate with other left handed hell spawns. Their predominately evil prowess forbids them from thinking clearly, and therefore solving even elementary problems like outfitting their iPhone 4 with a rubber protective jacket. Rubber is also known to dampen their sensitivity for finding near by rips in the fabric of time in which they use to traverse the universe.
So in closing, the iPhone 4 is performing exactly as designed and was preordained by 5 out of 5 Christian sects globally. I would like to take this moment to formerly call on all our loyal Apple Fan Boys to take up arms against anyone you hear lodging complaints about the iPhone 4 and drive a wooden stake through their hearts. God did not create left handed people, Satan did.
Signed,
Steve Jobs
PS: Any rumors that I am left handed are completely false.
