This is not an auction: it's an exorcism.
We so desperately want to be rid of this computer that if eBay accepted negative bids, we would pay you to take it from us. This is Lucifer's Laptop. Satan's Centrino. The Insidious Inspiron. The Dell from Hell.
You may only bid if:
A) You are a complete masochist
-or-
B) You are a Jesuit priest (And, yes, we will check.)
-or-
C) You're a sadist who lives to torment Evil Flying Monkeys. (See below)
Note that these requirements are not mutually exclusive.
This Inspiron comes with a bottle of Holy Water from St. Monica's Church, Santa Monica, California (this is Arnold Schwarzenegger's Church and if it's good enough for the Governator, it's good enough for you) and a story.
Why the Holy Water? Because you'll need it and because we don't want to risk eternal damnation, either ours or yours.
And the story? Read on.
This computer was originally bought by an artist, who now has a Mac and is happy as long as no one says the word "D-E-Double-Hockeystick" in her presence.
It never worked for her, so she called the evil flying monkeys from D-E-Double-Hockeystick tech support. They told her she was stupid. Incompetent. Worthless. They are evil, those flying monkeys. Evil, evil, evil. They made her cry.
And even though she had on-site support, they refused to come out and support it. Apparently, they weren't aware that she has a little dog, too, but that's another story.
Finally, after many phone calls and many tears, the evil monkeys relented and came out. They ended up replacing the motherboard. It still didn't work. Many phone calls and tears later, they replaced the hard drive. Then the RAM. Then the video card.
As the months dragged on, she brought in a consultant, a very good, very experienced consultant, who was too much of a gentleman to say, "Told your so, should have gotten a Mac". But he couldn't figure out how to get it to work for her. The evil flying monkeys told him he didn't know what he was doing.
That was a mistake. They didn't make him cry--they made him mad. He ended up fighting an epic battle with the evil flying monkeys until they relented and replaced the whole computer.
They even threw in Microsoft Vista. On a computer meant for XP. It's the thought that counts, of course, and putting XP on an under-specced machine is flat out evil. Exactly what you would expect from evil flying monkeys. So, again, the weary consultant went into battle for the Artist and defeated the Evil Ones.
So D-E-Double-Hockeystick has shipped the Artist a brand new computer. Again. Only this one is not to be turned on, not to be allowed in her home or office, not to even be looked at. Because she has a Mac now, dammit, and it works.
If you are brave, really and truly brave, much braver than the Consultant, or you're just incredibly stupid, or possibly just arrogant, or if you're truly just way better at handling D-E-Double-Hockeystick laptops than their flying monkeys are, then by all means bid on this computer. To be clear, this is a brand new machine--the packing slip is dated 7/13/07. It may be perfect in every respect or it could bear the Mark of the Beast.
But don't say you weren't warned.
P.S. At one point, D-E-Double-Hockeystick threw in 100 D-E-Double-Hockeystick Dollars to try to bribe the artist. Like the artist wants anything from them ever again. We can't transfer those tainted dollars, of course, but we can still spend them on your behalf and have it shipped to you. So, consider it part of the package.
P.P.S. This machine comes with an extra battery, a CD-RW/DVD, WindowsXP Home, Intel Pro Wireless, AOL(!), NetZero(!), and much, much more! Pretty much everything you could possibly want on a Dell except for an Apple logo.
P.P.P.S. This model was recalled about a year ago because the batteries were catching fire. The irony is just too much, no? Not to worry, this unit was manufactured well after the recall.
and it sold for $577! 
