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What To Do When She's "Taken" ?

bobber205

bobber205

macrumors 68020
Original poster
Nov 15, 2005
2,183
8
Oregon
First of all, I would like to iterate that I do indeed know that posting something like this on the internet may not be the best way to handle this.
And it's not the only route I'm taking for advice. :) Just to make things clear.

I need some relationship advice from the MR community. I am posting this here because it's the only internet forum that I know of that would
a) care and b) be mature enough to give any advice worth taking. I've read threads with similar themes before and almost all of the responses were
well thought out and mature.

Here's my situation. I've been in college for two years now. I'll be a junior in the fall officially. I a pretty "sensitive" type of guy.
I liked a girl alot in high school, extremely strong feelings and were well mature into development and it wasn't just "puppy love" as some people call stuff like that. ;)
But I missed asking her out to the prom by a few hours and my last year and a half of high school (and still today) I regret not acting sooner. It's a mistake I don't ever want to make
again and that's what I'm writing this post.

So I've been in college for two years. And it while there are ALOT of very very attractive women of all shapes and sizes at my school, I haven't felt "attracted" to any of them.
Sure, physically i've been atrracted to many many of them. But not anything beyond strong lust. But I'm taking a summer class and there's this freshman girl that I sit in front of.
She is unbelievably perfect in every way. I've been trying to rationalize my feelings with every way I know how and I can't. I havent' felt this way about a girl since the one in high school.

Here's the bad part:
She's taken. (as you probably guess from my thread title). To make things worse, he lives in missouri...

What do I do?

I think I pretty much only have a few options as far as I can tell.
1) Don't do anything. She has a boyfriend and that's just all there is to it.
2) Be a arrogant a**hole and make your move(s) anyway.
3) Be "Friends" and wait for the opporutinity to strike.

And here's why I dont' feel I can do any of the three.
1) Well that sucks. I respect their relationship 100%, but do I disregard my own feelings?
2) Well obviously I can't choose this one now can I? ;)
3) this is the option I guess I *want* to take but.... with all the girls I've ever known very well, it's ALWAYS the option I take and you end up going nowhere fast. To make matters worse, I am the Software Eng Department for my classes almost all the time, and I seriously don't know how we would spend any time together if it wasnt' a relationship type thing. One plus is that she IS living in the dorms which may work to my advantage.

I guess I'm asking for advice here. She missed the day in class where we went to the library's lab and talked about researching. We got a large amount of handouts and we're meeting tomorrow at the library so I can give her the papers. But I've just found out it closed until 12:30 so if she doesn't find out, we may have an excuse to do something different.

I know that the vast majority of long distance relationships dont' work out. But that doesn't give me any right to insert myself between them. And this girl is so awesome, I can't imagine the pain I personally would feel if someone broke us up. I have strong moral issues about doing anything of the sort, but I feel so strongly about this girl it's making me reconsider them a little.

Thanks for reading whatever you did on this 'wall of text'. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. :)
 
If she is taken, everything else is mute point. If you have an ounce of honor, you won't pursue her. Best recommendation, move on. There may indeed be someone else around the corner.
 
Your #1 option. If you truly care about someone, you don't interfere in their life for your own advantage. Heck, if you manage to do it, imagine what she will do if she finds out! :eek:

The best thing is to move on and focus on your life, and the right person will come along. Option #3 might be waiting for a long time and obsessing, which is not healthy for you.
 
iMac-Knight said:
If she is taken, everything else is mute point. If you have an ounce of honor, you won't pursue her. Best recommendation, move on. There may indeed be someone else around the corner.
Click to expand...

Wrong.

You, or the OP, have no way of knowing the depth of the relationship that they are in.

I say you just go up to her, speak your peace, and then withdraw.

Faint heart never won fair maiden. (Not my quote ... damn it.)
 
Well I am of the belief you should not meddle with her current relationship...however I have been told loads of times to go for it...maybe I just have different values.
 
I feel very strongly against doing anything to hurt their relationship but this is the first time I've ever even considered such a thing.
 
iJohn,

I look at it from the point of view, that if I was in the other guys shoes, would I want anyone to see my girlfriend even if he had liked her in the past. And, as you noted, no one knows how she feels. I still say, let sleeping dogs lie.
 
You have no way of knowing if she is just "settling". Maybe he's a jock, or ultra smart, or whatever.

Until you speak to her, you are devoid of much-needed information.
 
iMac-Knight said:
iJohn,

I look at it from the point of view, that if I was in the other guys shoes, would I want anyone to see my girlfriend even if he had liked her in the past. And, as you noted, no one knows how she feels. I still say, let sleeping dogs lie.
Click to expand...

Sorry, but that gets into the territory of "ownership".

Ugly, and unwelcome, in the 21st Century.
 
What a bunch of friendly replies, now my turn.

Screw the other guy! Obviously you'll get nowhere being an a$$hole, so don't do that, but I think if you are able to be casually social with her and help her to understand what an *incredible* person you are then she may see the light. This is the "slow burn" approach. Not too much heat you just want to give her an opportunity to realize that there might be a better person out there for her...namely you!

I know many who have tried this same thing and most have ended up better friends at worst, along with a bit more heartache if things don't work out. BUT, I also know one guy who married the girl of his dreams having done the same.

In life you want no regrets and if you never actively pursue the situation you will have regrets.
 
bobber205 said:
Good point. :)
The situation high school has filled me with nasty regret for years now...
Click to expand...

Lust is nice, but the endorphin rush from true "love" (whatever the hell that is) transends that, times 10.

Be polite, diplomatic even, but get your message across.

You don't want a repeat of HS.
 
I don't understand the "dishonour" in going for her. It's not like he has mind control powers. If she really likes her boyfriend, then she won't bite. But if she's just coasting with the old boyfriend, and does really like the OP, then it may be better for everyone involved for him to go for it.
 
Chivalry and good, old-fashioned etiquette are so remiss these days.

If she is already engaged or seriously involved with someone else, don't interfere.
 
melrose said:
Chivalry and good, old-fashioned etiquette are so remiss these days.

If she is already engaged or seriously involved with someone else, don't interfere.
Click to expand...

That's the thing, I won't know until I ask. She doesn't know a ton of people at my school yet (because it's summer) so I can't ask around (which is sort sneaky anyway).

I'm pretty sure she's not engaged. She's only 19. (I'm 20).

Oh btw. My mind control powers are almost complete. :cool:
 
Its only shady if you ask a million people who all say she is in a serious relationship hoping one of them will say she is not OR if you find out she is and still act on it.
 
you only live once.

and you lost your chance in hs with someone else.

don't be a jerk about it, but be her friend, let her know you're interested and if it doesn't work out with her current BF, then there you are.

if i put myself in the other guy's shoes, I would think or hope that my relationship is strong enough that someone else talking to my girl isn't a big deal, or at least, it shouldn't be.

if it is, then there's a bigger issue.

but like i said, you only live once.

markcollette's post says it well.

good luck,
keebler
 
Sorry, but screw this "she's taken" nonsense, like she's a car he's just bought from the garage :rolleyes:

She's an adult, like every adult she has free will, there's no 'ownership' bull**** here. They're not married, so..... She may very well adore the guy she's currently going out with, in which case you're out of luck; she may not - you just don't know.

Why not just try to get to know her a little better, be casual about it, no pressure. If things progress and you get close she has a decision to make; if they don't then it's not going to happen.

But don't give up....you just never know. Gently, gently try to make your feelings known, then accept whatever decision she makes. Best of luck.
 
Think of it this way - if she'd be so quick to dump her boyfriend for you, what's to say she won't do the same thing to you later on down the road?

Whatever you do, don't try to "be her friend" hoping that if something happens between her and her current guy she'll just fall magically into your arms. Barring a miracle, ladder jumping is rarely successful. She's already decided where on her Guy Hierarchy™ you rank, and if it's not above her current guy, there's not much you can do.

Finally, don't compromise your morals for anything. It sounds like you already know what course to take and you're just arguing with yourself over it.
 
My 2 cents: I was that other guy about a month and a half ago. My girlfriend of 3 and a half years, after making plans to move to NY together after she graduated, who begged me to stay in Ohio to be close to her, who got upset whenever I brought up the idea of up splitting up, left me.

She hooked up with some a cappella, yoga and poetry loving douchebag the week before her graduation and decided she wasn't in love with me. They're now somewhere in NY, boning.

So yeah. My advice? Lay off.
 
Mavimao said:
She hooked up with some a capella, yoga and poetry loving douchebag the week before her graduation and decided she wasn't in love with me. They're now somewhere in NY, boning.
Click to expand...

Didn't Tim Robbins play that guy in High Fidelity? :)

Sorry, don't mean to make light of your crappy situation, but it's the first thing I thought of.
 
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