When they just don't love you anymore...

[floyde]

I realize it is lame to ask about this stuff on the internet, but at times it helps to learn from the collective experience of random strangers (no offense ).

So my girlfriend of almost a year recently told me that she wanted some time; which was basically a breakup with the possibility of her wanting to get back with me in some uncertain time in the future (she wouldn't let go of that possibility).

She said that the reason for this was that she used to be madly in love with me (at first, I was worried that I could end up hurting her because I wasn't getting there so fast), but that now she doesn't think that she's "in love" with me anymore. Just like that... The reason for this sudden change of feelings remains unknown for both of us.

We used to have an awesome relationship and I was a great boyfriend. I listened, I helped her, I accepted difficult things about her past, I was great in bed (always thinking of her first), we had a great time together, there was nothing wrong except for her sudden change.

It's been only a week and already it has become impossible for me. If you've been here long enough, you probably recognize me from a "friend zone" thread a few years ago. I've already lived something similar and I swore I wouldn't do it again.

For the past week she's been calling me and telling me how much she misses me and how it was weird not waking up with me, and that she loves me ("te quiero mucho" in spanish, which is what you tell to a friend or a family member), but she still doesn't wan't to get back with me. She says that she's still confused and that she needs to be in love with me to get back with me.

I just don't see how she's going to fall in love with me again, I mean, how does that even work? You can't make someone love you, so I guess this is the end.

What do you guys think, I should just move on shouldn't I?

 

[CorvusCamenarum]

What do you guys think, I should just move on shouldn't I?

Yes.

 

[chrmjenkins]

floyde,

It sounds like you are a great boyfriend. That may actually scare her. People don't expect to find the right one. If she feels that way, she may be panicking, thinking "What if I don't do this or date more people or _____." She may realize that it's only going to get more serious at this point. With time, she may allow herself to realize that's what she really wants and move toward accepting the level of commitment that embodies.

That being said, she can't expect you to stay at a standstill. She gave you up, making you a free man. If the above situation seems likely and you really love her, I would consider waiting for a bit. If she does decide this is what she wants, the fact that you gave her that time, but respected the relationship as if it were still continuing will only make her realize how great your commitment is.

 

[floyde]

floyde,

It sounds like you are a great boyfriend. That may actually scare her. People don't expect to find the right one. If she feels that way, she may be panicking, thinking "What if I don't do this or date more people or _____." She may realize that it's only going to get more serious at this point. With time, she may allow herself to realize that's what she really wants and move toward accepting the level of commitment that embodies.

That being said, she can't expect you to stay at a standstill. She gave you up, making you a free man. If the above situation seems likely and you really love her, I would consider waiting for a bit. If she does decide this is what she wants, the fact that you gave her that time, but respected the relationship as if it were still continuing will only make her realize how great your commitment is.

Thanks, that does seem possible. There was a time in which she dreaded the idea of losing me, and she even struggled with not showing it. Then all of a sudden she doesn't love me, it doesn't make much sense.

I don't feel like running after other women right now, I love her and I would rather be with her. But I don't think it would be fair for me to be committed when she's not. It would be giving her too much power over me. I once had that kind of power over her and I used it responsibly, but will she do the same? I think that love is very important, but when it is only one-way, it loses all value, because there's no point in love when it only causes pain.

 

[chrmjenkins]

Thanks, that does seem possible. There was a time in which she dreaded the idea of losing me, and she even struggled with not showing it. Then all of a sudden she doesn't love me, it doesn't make much sense.

I don't feel like running after other women right now, I love her and I would rather be with her. But I don't think it would be fair for me to be committed when she's not. It would be giving her too much power over me. I once had that kind of power over her and I used it responsibly, but will she do the same? I think that love is very important, but when it is only one-way, it loses all value, because there's no point in love when it only causes pain.

Well, I'm not saying to stay committed forever. If you are going to be parting ways, you're likely to have a downtime/loss period anyway. That's basically you're waiting period where you don't do anything rash or stupid If you're over her and she's still ambivalent, it's obviously been too long.

 

[floyde]

Well, I'm not saying to stay committed forever. If you are going to be parting ways, you're likely to have a downtime/loss period anyway. That's basically you're waiting period where you don't do anything rash or stupid If you're over her and she's still ambivalent, it's obviously been too long.

I guess it wasn't such a bad idea posting here after all. That seems precisely right and a good way to look at the situation. Thanks

 

[chrmjenkins]

I guess it wasn't such a bad idea posting here after all. That seems precisely right and a good way to look at the situation. Thanks

I hope it works out for the better, whatever that may be. Good luck to both of you

 

[rfrankl]

My best advice, and yes its hard, but put her on your pay no mind list. Let her wonder what you are up to, rather than keep being there for your daily updates. If its meant to be, its meant to be.

 

[daneoni]

I think you should keep your distance. IMO she's probably only calling out of guilt not because she truly misses you. Way i see it, she's basically saying "i want to be able to sleep with other men without feeling guilty about it...but i also want to have you as a backup in case i don't find someone else" but i dunno the dynamics of your relationship so i could be waay off. Basically maintain a distance, don't always be available nor pick up her calls all the time. Distract yourself with something else.

Breaking up with someone and then staying in contact constantly doesn't help either party...IMHO

 

[Capt Crunch]

But I don't think it would be fair for me to be committed when she's not. It would be giving her too much power over me. I once had that kind of power over her and I used it responsibly, but will she do the same? I think that love is very important, but when it is only one-way, it loses all value, because there's no point in love when it only causes pain.

Sounds like you know wtf you're doing. Follow your instincts.

 

[Keebler]

sorry to hear this, but I would tell her to remind her that she wants a break so stop calling for some time. Make sure to tell her it's not b/c you don't want to speak with her, but if she keeps calling, then she's not going to get the break she needs to think about everything.

and as someone else said, "pay no mind". doesn't mean be an arse about it, but just gently go your own way. give her the desired space she wants and try to be as patient as possible.

good luck,
keebler

 

[floyde]

I've been doing very poorly on the "pay no mind" so far, but I think it has to change if I want to get out of this situation. I'll convince myself that the answer is a resounding "no" and then I'll just live my life according to that notion. If she changes her mind it will come as a surprise not as something I was hoping for.

 

[swiftaw]

I've been doing very poorly on the "pay no mind" so far, but I think it has to change if I want to get out of this situation. I'll convince myself that the answer is a resounding "no" and then I'll just live my life according to that notion. If she changes her mind it will come as a surprise not as something I was hoping for.

You have to be tough with her. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. She cannot say she doesn't want to be with you but then expect you to be there for her.

 

[Schtumple]

You have to be tough with her. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. She cannot say she doesn't want to be with you but then expect you to be there for her.

Yeah, sounds like she's just using you now to be fair...

(No offense, but) DON'T BE A TOOL!

Lead your own life and forget about her, young love comes and goes so fast you'll look back at this in a year and realise how naive it is to think that your first love will also be your only love

Now go out and have fun

 

[floyde]

Yeah, sounds like she's just using you now to be fair...

(No offense, but) DON'T BE A TOOL!

Lead your own life and forget about her, young love comes and goes so fast you'll look back at this in a year and realise how naive it is to think that your first love will also be your only love

Now go out and have fun

The problem is that I'm 27, though.

But yes, I need to move on.

 

[Iscariot]

What do you guys think, I should just move on shouldn't I?

You shouldn't just move on. You need to move on decidedly. That means you immediately stop answering the phone, replying to texts, emails, and MSN. She broke up with you, she doesn't get to "keep" you as a friend or a back up in case she changes her mind.

 

[mscriv]

Love is not always a "feeling". Relationships that last are ones based on commitment. There will be times when you don't have that "passionate madly in love" feeling about your partner. Therefore, true love is putting the other person's needs first even when you don't "feel" like it. From what you said it sounds like she is focused on some mysterious emotional high as opposed to what it really means to be in a relationship with someone.

How long you stick around is up to you, but I don't think any of us wants to be in a relationship that is only as solid as the emotional roller coaster that we call being human. You can't force someone else to feel anything, do what you think is right, always be honest, and maintain appropriate personal boundaries.

Like Pat Benatar said, "Love is a Battlefield". The trick is learning that the battle is with yourself, not your partner.

 

[floyde]

Love is not always a "feeling". Relationships that last are ones based on commitment. There will be times when you don't have that "passionate madly in love" feeling about your partner. Therefore, true love is putting the other person's needs first even when you don't "feel" like it. From what you said it sounds like she is focused on some mysterious emotional high as opposed to what it really means to be in a relationship with someone.

That is indeed the way she sees things. I tell her that she's giving a higher value to an ephemeral idea than to the real person that's in front of her. She swears that her parents are still in love as they were when they were young, which is ridiculous. I think that if she hopes to find "true everlasting love" then she'll spend her life seeking. I think that real love is something which is built.

 

[Melrose]

The reason for this sudden change of feelings remains unknown for both of us.

I'm betting the reason is known, you just may not want to see it or it's not readily obvious. Things like this don't just happen - there's always a reason that leads up to such a development.

I would take the time away to take time for yourself. She left you - that last thing a woman wants is a man that's desperate. If she ever comes crying in the future, I would get specifics as to why she wanted to break up.. specifics. If you're as nice a guy as you say, you won't have trouble finding someone who appreciates your qualities.

For me personally I wouldn't give her the time of day.

 

[Schtumple]

The problem is that I'm 27, though.

But yes, I need to move on.

Ok, well that's fair enough, ages doesn't necessarily make the difference between what is young love or not.

Having just got broken up from a 3 1/2 year relationship, I'm gunna say you need to remove everything, EVERYTHING, that reminds you of her, no matter how insignificant, if you don't, it will eat away at you.

Go out with friends alot, meet new people, do something you've never done, anything that will remind you that you're young (yes, 27 does class as young ) and free (which is never a bad thing).

Hope that helps more than my first attempt

 

[Abstract]

The entire, "I still want you as my back-up in case I can't find someone that I love more", attitude is really off-putting.

I don't know what to say regarding everything else, but what I think you need to do is tell her to stop phoning you so often.

Then, she is definitely going to reply with, "So does this mean we can't just be friends? Can't I just call you even if we're not dating anymore?"

That's when you tell her, "Yes, you can phone me, but think about how often you phone your other friends, and how often I speak to my other friends. We don't call each other up like this. Sorry, but I am treating you as a friend!!"

 

[GoCubsGo]

That's the dude's equivalent of "it's not you it's me" for girls.
She's working you.

 

[floyde]

It's interesting that the consensus is that this treatment is unacceptable. I would've expected a few "wait" responses, but it is reassuring to know that most people see it the same way.

That's when you tell her, "Yes, you can phone me, but think about how often you phone your other friends, and how often I speak to my other friends. We don't call each other up like this. Sorry, but I am treating you as a friend!!"

I did get to do that the last time, it's liberating . For a while, at least...

 

[Boneoh]

Love does change over time. The mad, early 'love' is more hormones. Later love is built to last! It sounds like she is not on the same page in that regard.

Go ahead and move on. Just go out and have fun, no need to get into a serious relationship on the rebound. If you meet an attractive gal, ask her out. You're not looking for a wife, just a chance to get out and have some laughs.

No need to answer the phone on the first ring, respond to the ex-gf instant messages right away, etc. You don't want to be a puppet on a string. If you were to get back with her under those circumstances, you may wind up getting treated like a doormat.

 

[ButtUglyJeff]

For the past week she's been calling me and telling me how much she misses me and how it was weird not waking up with me, and that she loves me ("te quiero mucho" in spanish, which is what you tell to a friend or a family member), but she still doesn't wan't to get back with me. She says that she's still confused and that she needs to be in love with me to get back with me.

I'm sorry to say this. But, I think there's another man in her life. To what level, only she knows.

You say you tolerated issues in her past. I have a feeling her past resurfaced..........