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I don't understand what you mean by cheap. How cheap are we talking about. If you think you can get an iPad for less than 399 dollars, then it is not happening. I paid 399 dollars and got 16GB wi-fi version from Apple. I thought I got a great deal.
 
I guess my best bet is just to sell my possessions and/or bodily appendages on ebay...

Yeh, not so much.

Policy overview

We don't allow humans, the human body, or any human body parts or products to be listed on eBay, with two exceptions. Sellers can list items containing human scalp hair, and skulls and skeletons intended for medical use.

Source

You might have to resort to selling some "services" via Craigslist.
 
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