You do a reasonably good job laying out your problem. My comments...
1) Proof read it. There are rampant grammatical errors....
2) I guess I have no opinion on the level of casualness of the letter. If I'd written it, I'd be slightly more formal (especially the first and last bits), but I'm not sure what you did is particularly ill advised.
3) There's a random part about hoping the MBP might be a better option for you. It's not clear if this is what you want (the opportunity to trade up) or not. If it is what you want, you should be clearer about suggesting this option, because when its said this way, it can sound passive aggressive. If it isn't what you want, I don't understand what purpose this statement serves in the letter. Also, if it isn't what you want, you need to suggest some form of option to move forward. Otherwise you're really just ranting.
Good luck!
1) Proof read it. There are rampant grammatical errors....
2) I guess I have no opinion on the level of casualness of the letter. If I'd written it, I'd be slightly more formal (especially the first and last bits), but I'm not sure what you did is particularly ill advised.
3) There's a random part about hoping the MBP might be a better option for you. It's not clear if this is what you want (the opportunity to trade up) or not. If it is what you want, you should be clearer about suggesting this option, because when its said this way, it can sound passive aggressive. If it isn't what you want, I don't understand what purpose this statement serves in the letter. Also, if it isn't what you want, you need to suggest some form of option to move forward. Otherwise you're really just ranting.
Good luck!