Now, I know perfectly well that the guy is having serious thoughts about his life: I'm just struck by how little he seems to refer to his wife when contemplating stuff such as 'tiny cabin in woods' or 'going off grid'.
Ignore my response much? My wife is everything to me. We've spoken about this quite a bit, especially in light of Trump being elected. We don't like the direction the extreme right-wingers, that sound a lot like you trying to control other people's lives, are taking our country.
And, yes, I do think the OP self-absorbed, in a way I possibly would not if his wife were not a SAHM (Stay At Home Mother) and had her own income, identity through a job, economic and professional autonomy, and an independent life.
Ok, now you're pissing me off, and the truth comes out: You're not extreme right, you're extreme left, which is nearly as bad! My wife is NOT a stay at home mother. Full stop, She would slap you were you stand if you said that about her because she works her ass off in the daycare, which is professionally licensed. We share in the home responsibilities because she just doesn't have time all day to do my bidding or whatever made up narrative you've concocted in your head. She does about 2/3 the laundry (of which part is daycare) and cleans the bathrooms. I pick up the living room, kitchen and dining room and run the Roomba, clean the kitchen, and I do the outside work such as mowing, trimming, bug spraying, landscaping, etc as well as the recycling and trash. We split cooking, as we're both passionate about it and a little bit foodies. She puts the dishes in the machine, I take them out. I manage our budget and investments, she manages our medical claims and insurance. I do our home taxes, she does her business taxes. We have a pretty good split.
My wife is a very strong, independent woman and it's why I was so attracted to her originally. The sheer amount of utter B.S. she has had to deal with in her life, and yet not only persevered but thrived is a testament to her strong will and fortitude. I won't even get into it here so as to respect her privacy, but you would not want to cross this lady. We're both feminists and my daughter plays with trucks and dirt as much as dolls and strollers, as well as my son with his babies and dinosaurs. and I'm always teaching her about science using the iPad, our backyard telescope, and my extensive knowledge of meteorology from storm chasing when storms are rolling in across the plains, and plan to do the same with my son when he gets old enough to understand such concepts. I work at the premiere university in the state where we have world class animal and plant science research programs. I'm not whatever "bass-ackward" hillbilly you make me out to be, likely because you have an elitist flyover mentality that dismisses people like us in the middle of the country.
The bottom line is that I never pressured my wife into anything. She went on maternity leave for 12 weeks in early 2014. A month before she was scheduled for return, she told me she wanted to talk. We had visited several daycare centers in our area and were upset at the lack of quality options that had available slots. She said that she felt like she didn't want to do anything else but take care of our daughter, and so I overhauled our budget top to bottom to make it work, and she came up with the idea that we could do an in-home daycare, which I wasn't too keen about because it was taking up all the space in our little house and I'm not as crazy about kids as she is. So she worked on the marketing and licensing so we could expand to the maximum for non-licensed facilities in our state, and we saved up and bought a place that is better suited for the daycare where she could expand it. We're currently in the process of expanding to our new capacity now, and once that is complete my wife will be making more money than me. Yes, really. And not just a little more than me, but a decent amount. And we will be contributing about $900/mo to our retirement fund which is currently getting nothing, $300/mo to our children's college fund which is currently empty, in addition to our standard savings that we do now. We're also thinking about making a vacation fund as my wife spoke with the daycare parents recently, because we've been communicating about feeling a bit overwhelmed because we talk to each other all the freaking time, and is modifying her contract to have one week of unpaid vacation in the summer in addition to the standard two weeks paid she gets divided up throughout the year, and that vacation time will be in the summer months so we can do family trips. My wife actually made a comment recently that she might keep doing this even after our youngest is in school because it's so lucrative compared to her past jobs in mental health, which are currently being systematically defunded by republicans, and she has started developing a curriculum and enjoys preparing children to be successful in school.[/quote]
And, the second is to make the obvious point that life "off-grid" is physically punishing, and extraordinarily exhausting and tedious, especially for women who are expected and assumed to want to belabour themselves with endless domestic drudgery, lacking economic independence - after all, there is a reason why electricity is seen as liberating.
Please tell me you're not this dense. Wow, you are? Hey everyone, this person hasn't heard of renewable energy! Wait, so you're not extreme left? What in the world are you, exactly? You seem to want to control people like the far right, but you're really anti-family like the far left, and don't know how renewable energy works. Oh, I know a word for people like you. "Special." That's the nice way of putting it that doesn't violate the forum rules. Just because you live in the middle of nowhere doesn't mean you don't have electricity. Out west there is wind power, hydro power, solar power, and geothermal power. For Wyoming, in particular, I was thinking geothermal, with maybe a few solar panels or a small wind turbine for backup along with a Tesla power wall. I've done a lot of research into partial earth covered homes which are much more energy efficient and retain heat during the winter and stay cooler during the summer. This helps mitigate the extreme conditions. The main problem is isolation during the winter months, as it can be hard to get around. I'm not big into home schooling either, but my wife thinks she could do it. I've just known several home-schooled kids that were really awkward socially. Ideally we would live 10-15 miles outside of a bigger town. We've also looked at Colorado and living near a smaller town in the front range like Estes Park or Manitou Springs so our kids could still go to a decent school but in a quieter community that has a slower pace. We especially liked Manitou Springs and the relaxed atmosphere there, and like the idea that Colorado is less of a red state but not super blue either.
Okay: Red flags always fly in my mind when a male - whose wife is already a SAHM - wants further isolation. This smells of a desire to seek a lot more control to me.
You're such a white knight! Please, come save my damsel in distress wife that you put on this pedestal like she's some precious flower who can't think for herself!
Honestly, I feel like you owe my wife and I an apology. You have a lot to learn about making assumptions in life. It doesn't seem like you have a very broad world view or life experience, which makes me think you are quite young and naive. Yet Casperes1996 is only 21 years old and gets it, so it can't just be an age thing. And you've been on this site nearly as long as I have, which would indicate that you're not too young. I used to have more of a single-minded world view, because that's how I was raised. I've expanded on it greatly and have learned about the value of diversity and that people can't be fit into little boxes. You would do well to explore outside of your current world view as well. You'll become a better person for it.
However, physical isolation is not the only solution; it is possible to police boundaries better - social media does not need to be attended to - or answered - urgently.
Yeah, at this point I'm not even sure if you read my posts fully. Too long for you? Then skip it and leave the comments elsewhere. As I clearly said, I do web work. I'm always plugged in. We have to do social media for a job. I have to go take photos for it, although less than I used to. I help route responses that come into the site. I have to fix the site if it blows up. I have to constantly make sure it's patched since there are always vulnerabilities popping up. I have to make backups. Dean suddenly needs some interactive new thing on the site? I have to go learn how to do it, and then do it, and it has to work flawless and securely on every display size and every browser without leaving out people with accessibility issues. It's just too much. Republicans are defunding higher education and we're getting screwed having to do more and more with less resources. And kids expect these fantastic recruiting websites but they fired most of the people making them and wonder why we're doing so poorly at recruiting. It's madness.
I meant to come off strong, but not to offend. Your message made me a bit emotional...
Same. Can you believe this person?
Look, I get where you're coming from with this, and I'm a feminist too, but I think you're pulling at strings that aren't there. In fact, if you read through the OP's messages, he has indeed consulted his wife, and this in no way seems like some sort of power play to get more dominance or anything like that.
Frankly, I think you're doing the opposite of what you're trying to do. Equality is something to strive for, and sexism is ****. But by instinctively assuming sexism, you're not improving things. At that point it feels like you're saying "Let me stand up for you, oppressed woman!". As if you run into a film set, and shoot the actor pretending to be a robber to 'save the day'.
And at the time of your comment, there was no mention of profession of his wife or anything.
Glad you get it. True feminism is about equality for both women and men, and promoting the idea that women can be anything they want to be. Want to be quantum physicist studying the Higgs Boson at CERN? Go for it. Want to raise up your beautiful children to be respectful, productive members of society? Equally good. Want to develop the next killer app for iOS? You can do it.
Feminism that shames women for staying at home with their children is not feminism at all because it runs counter to the feminist belief in equality. Some feminists incorrectly think that feminism means you have to do everything a man does, when really it means you can optionally do everything a man does. And furthermore, there are many great men out there who are excellent caregivers to children, as well as great stay at home dads. But to emphasize my appreciation and admiration for women, the sacrifice of mothers everywhere is, IMO, the only reason the human race still exists. They have an instinct when it comes to raising children that is incredible and should be celebrated. I could not do this parenting thing alone.
My wife would laugh at the idea that I could force her to do anything she didn't want to do. And you're so right about that person's excuse that they were only saying that because I mentioned she works at home. You really caught them there, I missed that!
You want to empower women, well, have you considered that some people want to be "SAHM"? I'm not saying you shouldn't investigate if that's actually the case, because oppression is sadly widespread, but you should also have respect for those who choose it out of their own free will. Know the context.
Nailed it again.
PS. It's 2am and I have an exam in the morning. I may have phrased some things pretty wrong, and I will also use this as a semi-excuse for my emotional response earlier. I recognise I was a bit of a prick, and I apologise. Being up late is not an excuse, neither is being stressed, cause it's all self inflicted, but I was a prick, so sorry
.
You were critical of someone who was already reacting in that way. It happens. But even so, you didn't come across as blatantly offensive like they did.
You're calling another person rude but look at what you're saying... "smells of a desire to seek a lot more control" -- oooookay there.
Why are you making this all about his wife? What makes you think his wife doesn't want to be a SAHM? I suppose you think liberation only comes when you're slaving away at a job while someone else raises your kids.
"My wife runs a daycare business out of our basement, which we remodeled last year after moving in to add a kitchen and a few other things. And parents aren't too keen on letting you have very much time off. My wife did this because she wanted to stay at home with the kids, so we made it happen."
Given that women far more often initiate divorce, I wonder if you would have brought up the husband had OP been written by a woman... or would it be "you go girl!", "you do whatever makes YOU happy!"... hmm...
You haven't said a single thing about OP other than implying (without a shred of evidence) that he's someone oppressing his wife. Not a single thing.
Then again, feminists have been at it for decades and women self-report being
less happy decade after decade since the
1940s.
I wrote some of my thoughts on feminism above, but I appreciate your response. People like to be white knights online nowadays because they lack any sort of initiative to do anything in real life. If this person is a man, I'd be willing to bet that they make these sort of comments a lot online, and yet when they're in the locker room hearing men talk about a women like a piece of meat they don't speak up or tell them to knock it off. They don't actually affect any real change, they just cower behind their monitor because it's anonymous. They don't engage in real conversations with their friends and acquaintances about what true feminism really means and why they should have more respect for women. And yet they get so easily triggered by someone talking about personal issues they are dealing with and feeling a call to pull out of the race for higher salaries and impressing people online for a quieter life in the country.
Do you use social media? Delete all of your accounts. Period.
I haven't used FaceBook since 2010 and that helped a lot. I occasionally use Twitter, and even less Instagram, but I mainly use those to post some of my nature photography or to read about my field as web design and development is fast paced and it's difficult to keep up with it and stay relevant. I'm required to assist with making social media posts at work, however, and there is some real cancer we have to deal with on there sometimes.
Do you know your neighbors? Get to know them. Do you know the people in your local town, or city, or donyou participate in any of the decision making processes? No? Start doing that and things like that.
I don't know them too well because we are still new to the neighborhood and a lot of the people tend to keep to themselves. There's an older couple next door who I've spoken with a few times The couple near our age on the other side I barely ever see. But we should try to put in more of an effort. Since licensing my wife is currently trying to expand the daycare, and we recently found out that a lady down the street also has a daycare, so my wife should try networking with that lady and maybe we could do some activities with their family.[/quote]
Do you have like 5 TVs in your home and cable? Get rid of all of them but one and cut the cable.
We had one TV for the longest time, but recently put up a really old one in the daycare when we remodeled down there. My wife rarely uses it, but sometimes when the kids are rambunctious she'll put on PBS kids on the Apple TV and they'll watch that while she makes lunch. We don't have cable, but we subscribe to some streaming services that are pretty cheap.
Do you listen to mainstream news sources? Cut them all out and just listen to something like NPR.
Hah! I've actually started listening to NPR more recently because it's a lot more calming. But I listen to a mix. I'll watch CNN and like more level headed people like Van Jones, but I'll also listen to Sean Hannity on the radio when driving home to get the other side, because apparently I hate myself. I need to cut a lot of that out of my life as it's just noise with little substance. Honestly I feel like it's the constant Trump crap that is probably putting me over the edge. I can't really stand either political party at this point, and that's really frustrating me and probably a lot of other people.[/quote]
Do you have a lot of belongings? Multiple suits, some you don't really care for and maybe one or two you really love? Get rid of anything you don't absolutely love.
My wife and I do this at least once a year, maybe twice. We call it purging. The only thing I really splurge on is Apple gear and sometimes photography gear because I use those tools to be creative. Sometimes I splurge on some paint and canvas and make a real painting.
When my wife's grandfather passed away a few years ago I inherited most of his tools, so my workshop is pretty stocked with that stuff, and again that leads into my creativity and I've been trying to learn some carpentry and there's always something to fix around the house. I can't bring myself to get rid of tools because there are so many specific use cases for certain tools and they're so expensive, but I got them for free. That being said I don't have a ton of tools, but there are probably a few that I should part with.
I built a 12ft by 6ft tall shelving area in a narrow part of our unfinished basement using two by fours and plywood, and that's all we have for storage. It can hold three rows of plastic storage tubs. The top row is mostly filled with various holiday decor. Then we keep stuff like extra dishes we got when married that we can replace as things break, a tub full of emergency supplies as where we live we get bad ice storms and thunderstorms/tornadoes, my wife's sewing stuff, her books that she can't part with, and some sentimental things from her childhood. On the bottom row is mostly my stuff. I keep a lot of old cables around as I'm always needing something. And then I have artwork I've made that isn't hanging up and some sentimental things from my childhood.
I don't have a lot of clothes and usually cycle through the same things every two weeks. I just bought my first suit recently for my uncle's funeral, but it's nothing fancy and I got it at Kohl's. I'm the oldest out of my siblings and all cousins, so I haven't had to deal with death much until recently and that's the only reason I can see for needing a suit since my work is fairly casual.
As for cars, we've never had anything fancy. I just donated my 1998 beater last year that I bought in 2003 and bought a used Subaru Outback after my son was born because we needed something safer with the kids sitting at the edges. Our other car is 12 years old. We paid cash for all the cars.
Once you start getting rid of things that don't matter, and start focusing on things that do, and once you start getting engaged in your local community, you'll find life is a lot more meaningful.
Also - ask for a raise.
Yeah, we've been trying to get more engaged with our church. They do a lot of good community service and charity work in town. The problem is that a lot of weekends we travel home, which is about two hours away. We've been doing this even more since my uncle died, and spending time with our grandparents and people in my wife's family who are older because some of them don't have too much time left. I think once we're traveling less on the weekend and the kids are a bit older we will get more involved.
As for the raise, the republicans in our state massively cut higher education funding. As a result, I manage even more websites now and they've let go higher up people, effectively making me one of the top people but without the salary to back it up. This is a college-focused town, so there aren't a lot of web opportunities. I graduated during a time when there were hardly any jobs as we were coming out of the great recession and was fortunate to find this one and have been here since. Any opportunities that exist have already been filled by the people here who were fired, because it was a big culling and there was a bit of an exodus at that level which led up to it. I had some freelance work lined up with some agencies in town (hadn't made contracts yet, we were in the beginning stages of negotiation) and they've evaporated because more experienced people who will take less money have suddenly flooded the market. I've thought about moving back home, which is a lot bigger city that has some interesting tech startups, but we've finally got the new daycare licensed and established after completing the remodel and we haven't lived here very long. We also like living in a smaller town than where we grew up. With all the layoffs in town we'd lose a lot of money on the house if we tried to sell it now. I think if I can stick it out here another five years then hopefully things will start to turn around and then we can move back home. I've never been in a situation this tricky before and just feel kind of stuck, but I can't complain right now because we're doing well financially which is better than many people. But I also work really hard to tune the budget and we would be practically dirt poor if we lived near the coast. Makes me feel guilty that I even complain. I'm like the epitome of first world problems right now. But I also don't want to become depressed either.
I'll talk with my wife about her thoughts on how we can get more involved with our current schedule. Maybe we need another purge too, lol. Maybe I'll turn off my Twitter and Instagram for a while, and focus to listening more to podcasts that aren't related to news. I should probably avoid reddit as well, as that tends to get me stirred up about something. I also need to get back into doing more photography, which I find to be really meditative.
