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Corny Jokes and One Liners
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Mitch Hedberg R.I.P
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the ****** did you get that banana at?'
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the ****** did you get that banana at?'
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Up his sleevies.
Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
A Prius just tried to race me at the lights. I totally had it for the first 100 metres, but I can only walk so fast.
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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
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An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
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An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
An optimist thinks the glass is half full.
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
A Canadian thinks it's time to order another round of beer for the table.
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
A Canadian thinks it's time to order another round of beer for the table.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be a bastard.
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Postcard to the wife away: I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
Whoever coined a phrase: The pen is mightier than the sword, never died from one.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said: Implants?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Postcard to the wife away: I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
Whoever coined a phrase: The pen is mightier than the sword, never died from one.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said: Implants?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
That's even worse than mine.
I remember reading this one in a science book.
Two men walk into a bar. (This one may take quite a while to get, and it'd be better if it was said verbally.)
One says, "I'll have some H2O, please."
The other says "I'll have some H2O too, please." And he died.
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A Physicist, a Biologist, and an Accountant were good friends and liked to get together very early in the morning in coffee shop, that happened to be across from an small office block.
One morning noticed two workers unlocking the front doors as they entered the office block, and one of the 3 friends commented about the two workers having the whole empty building to themselves. Therefore it was a surprise when a few minutes later 3 people walked out of the office block.
The Physicist stated it was because they hadn't accounted for all confounding factors, and that therefore the basic assumptions at the start of their observations were in error. The Biologist looked at his friend, and with a smile said that it obvious that the 1st two people had procreated while in the building. The Accountant, smiled at his two friends and said that if one more person went into the building, it would then be empty again.
One morning noticed two workers unlocking the front doors as they entered the office block, and one of the 3 friends commented about the two workers having the whole empty building to themselves. Therefore it was a surprise when a few minutes later 3 people walked out of the office block.
The Physicist stated it was because they hadn't accounted for all confounding factors, and that therefore the basic assumptions at the start of their observations were in error. The Biologist looked at his friend, and with a smile said that it obvious that the 1st two people had procreated while in the building. The Accountant, smiled at his two friends and said that if one more person went into the building, it would then be empty again.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no head and no body?
Dick.
(I made that one up myself years ago.)
Ha! If we are going down the road of bad chemistry jokes then I think this one is particularly funny and bad-
I nearly had a tea over my keyboard episode myself...
Can you post a warning next time please... I nearly choked myself laughing.
Comedian Milton Jones' finest:
Id just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier: you can hide, but you cant run.'
When I was young my parents used to say to me: To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices. And it was true, cause they were both druids.
I dont know about you, but I really hate sitting in traffic. Cause I always get run over.
If youre being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They train for that.
The school had a big problem with drugs especially Class A.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
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Id just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier: you can hide, but you cant run.'
When I was young my parents used to say to me: To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices. And it was true, cause they were both druids.
I dont know about you, but I really hate sitting in traffic. Cause I always get run over.
If youre being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They train for that.
The school had a big problem with drugs especially Class A.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
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