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Espresso Enthusiasts
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Pardon me while I let my inner extreme coffee snob out for a brief moment. I do not care what anyone other than myself drinks. I really don't. You want to drink crap, fine, drink crap.
But, you know, it is nearly impossible to get a decent ristretto in this country, even at uber-cool "oh we roast our own and we are so cool" roastery shops that so arrogantly display ristretto on the menu. Look, you don't want to offer a ristretto, fine, no one says you have to. But, if you are going to put on the cloak of moral superiority over your beans, where anyone who is over 40 or who has a job or who wears anything synthetic (or, gasp, all of the above) is made to feel uncomfortable and looked down on while you practice your "craft" with smokey bean death looks at anyone you deem unworthy, then by god you had better offer a *real* ristretto. A ristretto is not a "short espresso." Yes, to make it, you actually have to get your hands a little dirty and change the grind. Yes, you know that grind ring that the one person who really knows coffee at your shop told you never to touch? Yes, to make a ristretto, you really do have to adjust for a finer grind than the 9 million espressos you make every day and dump into a big gulp size cup of milk, entirely obliterating even the slightest hope of tasting anything real about the coffee. I will put up with outlandish prices, your horrible taste in music, the people who never seem to leave, the other people who seem to think the place is a rent-by-the-day office suite, the oppressively boring pictures of some coffee shop in Italy that we all know you ordered off a website, the stupid, stupid, mismatched furniture that looks like you collected one chair, but only one chair, from every going-out-of-business sale in the county, the general decline of any even semi-intellectual discourse in your shop, the people who think the Virgil quote someone so wittingly stenciled above the sink in the bathroom is from someone who plays for the Boston Celtics, and even the hipsters who think being a hipster is a career.
I will put up with all of it. But, by god, if you are going to offer and charge me money for something called a ristretto, and you are too lazy to change the f'in grind, then you suck. You just suck. That's all there is to it. You are not morally superior. You are not cool. You are not going to realize your dream to win the local latte art competition (gag). Instead, you just suck. You are either too uneducated or too lazy to adjust the grind (or the machine's pressure) just the tinniest little bit to produce what you have promised me you will produce, but which has never actually existed in your shop, with all of its indie-rock and oh-so-cool little hemp baskets in which you store the artificial sweetener (really?) that most of your customers dump into their "espresso." Do you know what just stopping the pull after 15 seconds produces? Not a ristretto. No, it produces a half-done espresso, with completely screwed up ratios and crema. Let me explain it in terms you might understand: when someone asks you (gasp) for a "skinny latte," do you use whole milk and just use 1/2 as much? No. Why? Because one aint the other. Do you realize there are entire cities on this planet where I can walk into any of 500 shops and actually order and, shock, receive a ristretto? Well, you aint one of them.
To wit, the cause of my rant this morning:
OK, I feel better.
I will now put my inner extreme coffee snob back into its box and go about my day.
Last edited:
Pardon me while I let my inner extreme coffee snob out for a brief moment. I do not care what anyone other than myself drinks. I really don't. You want to drink crap, fine, drink crap.
But, you know, it is nearly impossible to get a decent ristretto in this country, even at uber-cool "oh we roast our own and we are so cool" roastery shops that so arrogantly display ristretto on the menu. Look, you don't want to offer a ristretto, fine, no one says you have to. But, if you are going to put on the cloak of moral superiority over your beans, where anyone who is over 40 or who has a job or who wears anything synthetic (or, gasp, all of the above) is made to feel uncomfortable and looked down on while you practice your "craft" with smokey bean death looks at anyone you deem unworthy, then by god you had better offer a *real* ristretto. A ristretto is not a "short espresso." Yes, to make it, you actually have to get your hands a little dirty and change the grind. Yes, you know that grind ring that the one person who really knows coffee at your shop told you never to touch? Yes, to make a ristretto, you really do have to adjust for a finer grind than the 9 million espressos you make every day and dump into a big gulp size cup of milk, entirely obliterating even the slightest hope of tasting anything real about the coffee. I will put up with outlandish prices, your horrible taste in music, the people who never seem to leave, the other people who seem to think the place is a rent-by-the-day office suite, the oppressively boring pictures of some coffee shop in Italy that we all know you ordered off a website, the stupid, stupid, mismatched furniture that looks like you collected one chair, but only one chair, from every going-out-of-business sale in the county, the general decline of any even semi-intellectual discourse in your shop, the people who think the Virgil quote someone so wittingly stenciled above the sink in the bathroom is from someone who plays for the Boston Celtics, and even the hipsters who think being a hipster is a career.
I will put up with all of it. But, by god, if you are going to offer and charge me money for something called a ristretto, and you are too lazy to change the f'in grind, then you suck. You just suck. That's all there is to it. You are not morally superior. You are not cool. You are not going to realize your dream to win the local latte art competition (gag). Instead, you just suck. You are either too uneducated or too lazy to adjust the grind (or the machine's pressure) just the tinniest little bit to produce what you have promised me you will produce, but which has never actually existed in your shop, with all of its indie-rock and oh-so-cool little hemp baskets in which you store the artificial sweetener (really?) that most of your customers dump into their "espresso." Do you know what just stopping the pull after 15 seconds produces? Not a ristretto. No, it produces a half-done espresso, with completely screwed up ratios and crema. Let me explain it in terms you might understand: when someone asks you (gasp) for a "skinny latte," do you use whole milk and just use 1/2 as much? No. Why? Because one aint the other. Do you realize there are entire cities on this planet where I can walk into any of 500 shops and actually order and, shock, receive a ristretto? Well, you aint one of them.
To wit, the cause of my rant this morning:
Image
OK, I feel better.
I will now put my inner extreme coffee snob back into its box and go about my day.
Brilliant. Just brilliant. Can I place a request for a rant a day, please? Topic (coffee related) entirely at your discretion, needless to say. Nevertheless, I feel so much better reading this beautifully expressed, exquisitely written, rant. Actually, I will wager that it felt really good to write...
Wonderful!
Makes me want to go out and smack a "barista" upside the head!
Wonder narrative, wonderfully written.
I do have a request...in the future, try not to hold back...tell us how you really feel.
Again...great post, Mate!
Pardon me while I let my inner extreme coffee snob out for a brief moment. I do not care what anyone other than myself drinks. I really don't. You want to drink crap, fine, drink crap.
But, you know, it is nearly impossible to get a decent ristretto in this country, even at uber-cool "oh we roast our own and we are so cool" roastery shops that so arrogantly display ristretto on the menu. Look, you don't want to offer a ristretto, fine, no one says you have to. But, if you are going to put on the cloak of moral superiority over your beans, where anyone who is over 40 or who has a job or who wears anything synthetic (or, gasp, all of the above) is made to feel uncomfortable and looked down on while you practice your "craft" with smokey bean death looks at anyone you deem unworthy, then by god you had better offer a *real* ristretto. A ristretto is not a "short espresso." Yes, to make it, you actually have to get your hands a little dirty and change the grind. Yes, you know that grind ring that the one person who really knows coffee at your shop told you never to touch? Yes, to make a ristretto, you really do have to adjust for a finer grind than the 9 million espressos you make every day and dump into a big gulp size cup of milk, entirely obliterating even the slightest hope of tasting anything real about the coffee. I will put up with outlandish prices, your horrible taste in music, the people who never seem to leave, the other people who seem to think the place is a rent-by-the-day office suite, the oppressively boring pictures of some coffee shop in Italy that we all know you ordered off a website, the stupid, stupid, mismatched furniture that looks like you collected one chair, but only one chair, from every going-out-of-business sale in the county, the general decline of any even semi-intellectual discourse in your shop, the people who think the Virgil quote someone so wittingly stenciled above the sink in the bathroom is from someone who plays for the Boston Celtics, and even the hipsters who think being a hipster is a career.
I will put up with all of it. But, by god, if you are going to offer and charge me money for something called a ristretto, and you are too lazy to change the f'in grind, then you suck. You just suck. That's all there is to it. You are not morally superior. You are not cool. You are not going to realize your dream to win the local latte art competition (gag). Instead, you just suck. You are either too uneducated or too lazy to adjust the grind (or the machine's pressure) just the tinniest little bit to produce what you have promised me you will produce, but which has never actually existed in your shop, with all of its indie-rock and oh-so-cool little hemp baskets in which you store the artificial sweetener (really?) that most of your customers dump into their "espresso." Do you know what just stopping the pull after 15 seconds produces? Not a ristretto. No, it produces a half-done espresso, with completely screwed up ratios and crema. Let me explain it in terms you might understand: when someone asks you (gasp) for a "skinny latte," do you use whole milk and just use 1/2 as much? No. Why? Because one aint the other. Do you realize there are entire cities on this planet where I can walk into any of 500 shops and actually order and, shock, receive a ristretto? Well, you aint one of them.
To wit, the cause of my rant this morning:
Image
OK, I feel better.
I will now put my inner extreme coffee snob back into its box and go about my day.
A vicious and accurate indictment!
Pardon me while I let my inner extreme coffee snob out for a brief moment. I do not care what anyone other than myself drinks. I really don't. You want to drink crap, fine, drink crap.
I will now put my inner extreme coffee snob back into its box and go about my day.
Brilliant! Do follow SS's request and let us know how you feel about "coffee" shops often.
Thank you. But, still, I apologize. I'm usually a live and let live sort of person. But, that barista this morning.....I'll stop before I work myself into a tizzy again.
In recompense, I offer what may be the most enjoyable six minutes and forty-one seconds of your day. Watch in HD and be sure to turn captioning on.
In recompense, I offer what may be the most enjoyable six minutes and forty-one seconds of your day. Watch in HD and be sure to turn captioning on.
What a lovely video.
Thanks so much for providing the link.
At the risk of sounding chauvinistic...where else on the Forum would you find someone who would post this video...not because of the coffee metaphor, but for it's sweetness and touching spirit.
After a harrowing 100 mile drive to the Atlanta airport yesterday, and an extremely uncomfortable 8 hours at the terminal and 8 hours in the plane, I was happy to have my Sweet Maria's beans and moka pot waiting for me.
What an aroma! Even before I opened that package I could smell the coffee. I dripped a cup just now, and I'm enjoying the sweet nose and exceptionally smooth body. Very different from my normal African beans: buttery and nutty and yes some raisin and plum notes. Quite happy with the Guatemalans this batch.
What an aroma! Even before I opened that package I could smell the coffee. I dripped a cup just now, and I'm enjoying the sweet nose and exceptionally smooth body. Very different from my normal African beans: buttery and nutty and yes some raisin and plum notes. Quite happy with the Guatemalans this batch.
After a harrowing 100 mile drive to the Atlanta airport yesterday, and an extremely uncomfortable 8 hours at the terminal and 8 hours in the plane, I was happy to have my Sweet Maria's beans and moka pot waiting for me.
What an aroma! Even before I opened that package I could smell the coffee. I dripped a cup just now, and I'm enjoying the sweet nose and exceptionally smooth body. Very different from my normal African beans: buttery and nutty and yes some raisin and plum notes. Quite happy with the Guatemalans this batch.
Now that's the way to return home. The comfort and familiarity of home, and a great cup of coffee.
Makes me want to go away from home...just to be able to return!
Now that's the way to return home. The comfort and familiarity of home, and a great cup of coffee.
Makes me want to go away from home...just to be able to return!
You go to work every day don't you? Shouldn't that be enough?
I was thinking about a longer time away...but your scenario works for me!
I doubt you could stay away from coffee (your coffee) for more than several hours, let alone days or weeks! You'd perish.
After a harrowing 100 mile drive to the Atlanta airport yesterday, and an extremely uncomfortable 8 hours at the terminal and 8 hours in the plane, I was happy to have my Sweet Maria's beans and moka pot waiting for me.
What an aroma! Even before I opened that package I could smell the coffee. I dripped a cup just now, and I'm enjoying the sweet nose and exceptionally smooth body. Very different from my normal African beans: buttery and nutty and yes some raisin and plum notes. Quite happy with the Guatemalans this batch.
What a way to come home. Nice.
(8 hours in the plane? Ouch.)
(3 on the tarmac, 5 in the air
)But yes, the coffee was quite comforting! I'll try the moka soon; looking forward to playing with it.
After a harrowing 100 mile drive to the Atlanta airport yesterday, and an extremely uncomfortable 8 hours at the terminal and 8 hours in the plane, I was happy to have my Sweet Maria's beans and moka pot waiting for me.
What an aroma! Even before I opened that package I could smell the coffee. I dripped a cup just now, and I'm enjoying the sweet nose and exceptionally smooth body. Very different from my normal African beans: buttery and nutty and yes some raisin and plum notes. Quite happy with the Guatemalans this batch.
Ah, lovely. What a wonderful way to be greeted when you return home, that wonderful aroma, and a moka pot - close to caffeine heaven.
Now that's the way to return home. The comfort and familiarity of home, and a great cup of coffee.
Makes me want to go away from home...just to be able to return!
Yes, indeed, but, but,.....as SBG expresses it in the post below, (and I share his concerns)..........
I doubt you could stay away from coffee (your coffee) for more than several hours, let alone days or weeks! You'd perish.
'Perish'. Now, that is a nice verb. It is the pre-perish suffering that Shrink would be compelled to endure that would disturb me most.....
Those sort of hours in the air are pretty much the norm for me, too; one way of coping is to drink lots and lots and lots of water while airborne. Oddly, tomato juice is also - a drink I like quite a lot in any case - becomes extraordinarily tasty when airborne for hours.
(3 on the tarmac, 5 in the air
But yes, the coffee was quite comforting! I'll try the moka soon; looking forward to playing with it.
Ah. Moka pot post. Let us know how it works out. Again, as is known by one and all, I am rather partial to them.....
I just had one of those long flights yesterday, and face another this morning. This is the sole defence I can put forward by way of mitigation for what may seem to the denizens of this thread as the risk of succumbing to the temptation of committing an appalling lapse of taste.
Yesterday afternoon, in Istanbul airport, between flights, I had a long layover, and I was awaiting the hotel shuttle, as requested, in Starbuck's, (yes, that is where they have you wait) while the airline office arranged overnight accommodation. Yes, Starbuck's. Anyway, while waiting, I confess that my eye did alight upon what the shelf holding such products described as a 'demi-tasse' cup, with a fetching little Istanbul logo.
Friends, you will sympathise when I confess that I nearly succumbed, I very nearly succumbed to the temptation of purchasing a demi-tasse cup which I don't need in Starbuck's which I don't like. I can only put it down to the relief of encountering civilisation (no, not Starbuck's, although, in the circumstances, I greeted it with more relief than is healthy; an aside - the Turkish branches of such outlets - Starbuck's, Café Nero - actually offer good coffee - Turks like their coffee, and rubbish will not be tolerated) after a period of deprivation.
Forgiveness and (a limited degree of) understanding are what I require here, although I am well aware that there may be the risk of being cast out into the deep outer darkness of the tea dwellers as a result of this sorry transgression that almost was!
When in desperate circumstances, almost all actions are forgiven in the name of survival!
I also wonder what, if any, differences there are in terms of the beans in Starbucks outside the US. Who knows, maybe the suppliers there don't turn the beans into tiny charcoal briquets.
When in desperate circumstances, almost all actions are forgiven in the name of survival!
I also wonder what, if any, differences there are in terms of the beans in Starbucks outside the US. Who knows, maybe the suppliers there don't turn the beans into tiny charcoal briquets.
Well, coffee was introduced to Europe by the Ottoman Empire (which got as far as the gates of Vienna in the late 17th century), so there is a long history, centuries long, of coffee (and tea) appreciation in Turkey.
I was actually surprised at the quality of the espressos in both the Café Nero branch (which was excellent) and indeed, Starbuck's (which was surprisingly good). I put it down to the standards that will be tolerated (or, more to the point, not tolerated) in Turkish society where both tea and coffee are concerned; I get the sense that this is a society where the population are serious connoisseurs of both.
Actually, I suspect that some of these chains subtly adapt some of their offerings to conform to local preferences at times, especially if the locals are known to have expert knowledge of certain products.
Very interesting and not at all surprising even Starbuck's coffee is good in Turkey. I can safely say that is not the case in Geneva, which nonetheless boasts at least five locations in a small area in the actual city - which is not large. The only location I like for it's well location is quite close to my office right on the river Rhone-when I go I get one of the overpriced non-coffee drinks when the weather is good to soak in the atmosphere.
Thankfully, there are many great places to get coffee or enjoy the lakeside here besides Starbucks.
The only location I like for it's well location is quite close to my office right on the river Rhone-when I go I get one of the overpriced non-coffee drinks when the weather is good to soak in the atmosphere. Thankfully, there are many great places to get coffee or enjoy the lakeside here besides Starbucks.
Forwarded by a colleague, I hope this is ok to post since the first entry makes it on topic, and #10 in the second list is awesome.
I wish I was even close to this witty. Alas, I am not.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an *******.
I wish I was even close to this witty. Alas, I am not.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an *******.
Funny stuff!
Nice save on not going off topic!
You know we would all be sending in Post Reports on you otherwise...
My experiments with the moka pot are going well. I haven't quite perfected the dose and grind, but I'm on my way. Admittedly I don't have a reference for what a 'good' moka brew should be, but of course this is subjective to begin with. I have to say I do enjoy this brew method: I fastidiously stare at the spout in anticipation of receiving its liquor. Somewhere between espresso and pour over comes this delightful creation.
Enjoying it thoroughly.
Enjoying it thoroughly.
Now i don't feel like I'm the only one close to the base of the learning curve.
I think I have the dose down, and I've been messing about the the grind, which is pretty close for this batch...but tomorrow I'll start a new batch! I hope the dose is OK, so I only have to mess with the grind of the new batch. This process will occur about every four days, as that's about what how long a batch lasts. I'm also playing with the pre-infusion time. I don't know how much that changes with each batch. I'm trying about 7 seconds, but may give 8-9 seconds a try...as I believe my old machine did about that time.
So many variables to juggle!
As with our friend, mobilehaathi, I'm enjoying the process, which is never-ending!
Good luck in finding the right combination, Mate!
'Fastidiously stare at the spout', hm. I must say that I really like your way of expressing this, and yes, I do that too, but to my fastidious staring, (and occasional day-dreaming, the low hum of soothing classical music on in the background) can be added a cocked ear for the sound of the spluttering gurgle with which the process ends.
Delighted to hear that you are enjoying it; it's great fun, and a lovely way to prepare espresso.