Resolved Friend getting married, clearly a mistake.. what to do?

[GoCubsGo]

Please note, while I am an ordained minister.. it's one of those online ordainments, I just took it further and got licensed by the state. I can legally solemnize marriages, but I have no religious (or moral ) training. Hence the question.

You're way too involved already. At the very least, I would not marry them. I would want a friend to step in but clearly he is not of the mindset to listen. Unfortunately, there's little you can do. If you continue to push he will choose her, they always do.

 

[Daffodil]

If I could see the future, it might be "Why did you marry us????"

Ask him to get someone else to officiate, and just attend.

You don't need that potential guilt in your life.

This seems like incredibly sensible advice to me. Be a good enough friend that he knows he can come to you when/if problems arise, but don't get more involved than absolute necessary.

 

[leekohler]

Don't perform the ceremony. But if he wants to marry her, there's not much you can do.

 

[iJohnHenry]

This seems like incredibly sensible advice to me.

Awe, shucks.

That's it for this year. Remember to take all of your personal belonging with you when you leave. Bub-bye.

 

[sviato]

I have a friend who's with a crazy girl too and no matter how rationally you try to explain it, I doubt your friend will see the light.

It's psychological. He's been with this girl for a good amount of time and despite knowing that he's not fully satisfied or happy, he's afraid that even though things aren't that good, if he leaves her then he may never find someone with whom things will be at least the same (even though it's not that good).

People are so afraid to be alone and tend to live in the moment when thinking about relationship and this causes them to "settle" for someone who may seem good enough at the moment. It's unfortunate.

I'd recommend explaining your side to him at the risk of damaging your relationship with him, but ultimately support whatever decision he makes.

 

[JasonR]

If I could see the future, it might be "Why did you marry us????"

Ask him to get someone else to officiate, and just attend.

This is what I'd do. You expressed your concern, told him you think it's a mistake, and that's all you can do. I would politely ask him to find someone else to perform the ceremony. However, I would still attend the wedding, but I'd probably be drunk.

 

[mscriv]

Tough spot Cr2sh. I appreciate people saying "it's not your decision, support your friend", but the friend in question has asked your to perform the ceremony and that makes this different. Personally, I don't think anyone who has the ability to perform a marriage ceremony should do so unless they feel good about the relationship. This is usually done in the form of "pre-marital" counseling. Either the officiant does the counseling themselves or a third party does the counseling and gives the officiant a report regarding how things went.

You could tell your friend that you won't do the ceremony until they get some premarital counseling. That way you've been able to express your concerns and even attempted to help them get off to a good start. If you are not comfortable with that or if they refuse then, like some other's have said, I would suggest you simply decline performing the ceremony and assume the role of a supportive friend at the event.

I was in a similar situation many years ago when a friend of mine got married. There were some fundamental differences between them that I thought were "deal breakers". He asked me to be a groomsmen in the wedding. At first I accepted, but then I later let him know that I couldn't do it. I didn't even attend the wedding. (Which I think was a mistake, I should have showed more support) The result was pretty much the end of our relationship as we didn't stay in contact after that. Years later he called me out of the blue to say that they were now divorced and that he should have listened to what I had shared with him before the wedding. He apologized for putting me in that position and said he respected that I was honest with him even though it was so difficult. Our lives have drifted apart and we don't stay in touch today, but it was an experience that taught me a lot.

True friends are supportive, but they also love you enough to confront you with hard truths. You can be supportive of your friend and his "wife" without having to compromise your own integrity. If they want to move forward despite obvious warning signs then that is their choice. You can be a friend and be supportive without having to be the one who says, "I now pronounce you husband and wife".

Edit:
One final point, after they are married they become a package deal. Don't every choose sides, put her down to him, or get in the middle. He chose her and you must respect his choice. Trying to be "his friend" while being critical of her after the wedding is dangerous territory.

 

[ucfgrad93]

Well said, mscriv.

 

[Raid]

Edit:
One final point, after they are married they become a package deal. Don't every choose sides, put her down to him, or get in the middle. He chose her and you must respect his choice. Trying to be "his friend" while being critical of her after the wedding is dangerous territory.

QFT. I found out the hard way that if someone isn't a friend to your marriage first, they aren't a friend of yours either.

This means that you should support and encourage their union to be as strong, healthy and long-lasting as possible. If you think you cannot do that now, you certainly should tell your friend, and you certainly should not marry them.

P.S. Worst reason to get married ... EVAR!

"Look, I figure if I'm going to make a mistake, it might as well be a cheap mistake.. so we'll have a small ceremony with you. She's not going to do anything bad enough for me to break up with her in the next year.. so I might as well go through with it now..

 

[NZed]

When you come to the part where you ask is anybody going to reject this marriage, you better speak up

 

[Huntn]

You have conveyed your concerns.

Whether he acts on them or not, it is his choice, not yours.

It is his life.

I agree. For the OP, as a friend you have a duty to tell him what you think. If he chooses to ignore your advice, that is his choice. You can always cross you fingers and hope for the best.

I tend to believe we live our lives to learn lessons. This could be a great opportunity for your friend to learn a lesson and come out of it wiser and maybe a better person for it.

BTW you poll is flawed. 1) keep mouth shut 2) give advice and accept decision 3) give advice and keep nagging him until he caves or calls off your friendhsip 4) other, 5) Undecided.

 

[cr2sh]

BTW you poll is flawed.

Thanks for pointing it out.

Thanks for your help everyone.

I have voiced my concerns and he has thanked me for it... but said that he's made up his mind. I will do the ceremony, though that may turn out to be a mistake, I wouldn't dare miss it.

Now, anyone have a place for me to crash in Outer Banks in a few weeks?

=)

 

[steviem]

Wouldn't no.2 cause a problem for no.3?

I think you're making a mistake performing the ceremony, but I can't stop you either! I feel like the guy trying to stop the other guy from stopping the other guy from jumping off a roof...

 

[maflynn]

I will do the ceremony, though that may turn out to be a mistake, I wouldn't dare miss it.

I think that's the best way to handle it and who knows they may stay married for 50 years just to spite you

 

[Thomas Veil]

I think you're making a mistake performing the ceremony, but I can't stop you either! I feel like the guy trying to stop the other guy from stopping the other guy from jumping off a roof...

Pretty much how I felt, reading this.

But the OP is free to do as he pleases. I happen to agree with you, steviem. This is a mistake, and mscriv laid out the reasons why in post #33.

 

[cr2sh]

This is a mistake, and mscriv laid out the reasons why in post #33.

I can certainly see your point.. and mscriv did an excellent job of summarizing, I can't argue with any of it. It may very well be a mistake, but it doesn't concern me.. performing a wedding (to me) is just me standing there asking some questions and then making the announcement. It's important to my friend that I do it, so I will.

 

[iJohnHenry]

Suffer little children from a bad union.

I hear the Outer Hebrides are nice this time of year.

 

[Reach9]

Voice your opinion, and if after that the person doesn't understand.. then you can't do anything, it's their life.