I've loved the iPhone 11 Pro Max itself. I would isolate "dumpster fire" to me, only with the bluetooth connection to AirPods. That is a brick indeed. iOS 13.1.3 just released and I just installed. Let's see if Apple engineering was able to tackle this via SW or if they have an unavoidable problem with AirPods and if so, I'm thinking they need to replace my 1st gens with ones that work - if any do?...
So far no AirPods have worked with my phone. Your description of the “signs” alien noises is very good.
They mention Bluetooth hearing aids and headsets in 13.1.3- I’m gonna upgrade now!