I am actually as frustrated as seeing your frustration.
It's as simple as these steps:
-Buy two reference HD7970s. ($300-$400 total) on eBay. (should I call this a step?
)
-Flash the provided bios to the cards.
-Buy two SATA to PCIE 6 pin power cables on eBay, for the cables you have bought, cut one of the edge of the sockets in order to plug in the SATA port on motherboard.
And you are done.
It's not horrible at all. All risks involved have been addressed. Haven't you finished upgrading CPUs already by yourself? to some, that's perhaps even more scary handling the CPU and the sockets.
Using the linked bios you will have everything that have been prepared for you. You will have the "boot screen", i.e. the "EFI", and the tweaked volts and frequency. The only thing you may encounter is using ATIflash to flash bios. There are many places you can read through in this forum and including the mentioned other forums.
Food has been cooked, it's for someone who moves on....