relationship...

[twoodcc]

ok, so, i'm usually not open about my relationship with my girlfriend.....but i'm having some issues, and i've noticed some people took their issues here, so i thought i might do the same. (if it's a bad idea, then we can delete this thread)

anyways, i'm 22 and in my 4th year of college. i've been dating the same girl for over 5 years now. she lives 2 floors below me. she cooks, cleans, etc. we've always been very dependent on each other. she just got a car, but before that, i did all the driving. (it was kinda a trade-off, she did the food, i did the driving)

i've always considered me and her 'different' from most other people. but i think she's starting to change, for the worse, and i'm not sure what to do.

basically she's starting to go out with her friends to clubs and stuff, and that's something that i never thought i'd see her do. but it's almost like, she's trying to be like her roommate. she talks/acts like her more and more (uses the same phrases, does the same stuff)

it's really out of her character, and she's turning into someone else.

what should i do? i've tried to talk to her, but to no avail.

any advice would be appreciated

 

[Chundles]

Sounds like she's growing more independent. Nothing wrong with going to clubs with friends - I'd be encouraging it, gives you some time to yourself to do the stuff you want/need to do and she can go have some fun as well.

Do you find her behaviour threatening? Do you not trust her?

It's common for people living together to start to take on each other's mannerisms - her roommate's friends are probably noticing a change in her to something more like your girlfriend.

What is it exactly that bothers you about the change in personality? Is her roommate a bit of trouble or are you just growing apart over time? Five years during the very formative early adulthood esp. at your age is like an eternity.

 

[twoodcc]

Sounds like she's growing more independent. Nothing wrong with going to clubs with friends - I'd be encouraging it, gives you some time to yourself to do the stuff you want/need to do and she can go have some fun as well.

Do you find her behaviour threatening? Do you not trust her?

It's common for people living together to start to take on each other's mannerisms - her roommate's friends are probably noticing a change in her to something more like your girlfriend.

What is it exactly that bothers you about the change in personality? Is her roommate a bit of trouble or are you just growing apart over time? Five years during the very formative early adulthood esp. at your age is like an eternity.

well, mainly, partying just isn't her thing. or wasn't at least. she doesn't drink, and doesn't dance....so why would she want to go?

really, the people she's going with is what bothers me. people i don't really know.

i do trust her, but i've learned from past experiences....you can't fully trust anyone but yourself

yeah, it has been a long time. in fact, it's hard to remember not having her around

 

[ReanimationLP]

Never start to accuse or suspect anything. I did that path, and boom, it all fell apart. :/

 

[pseudobrit]

it's really out of her character, and she's turning into someone else.

That's what happens to many people in their early twenties.

well, mainly, partying just isn't her thing. or wasn't at least. she doesn't drink, and doesn't dance....so why would she want to go?

Why don't you ask her? Or go along?

i do trust her, but i've learned from past experiences....you can't fully trust anyone but yourself

That says a lot right there. Major issues under the surface.

yeah, it has been a long time. in fact, it's hard to remember not having her around

Has this perhaps become a relationship of habit?

 

[balamw]

To quote Tom Leykis, you're twenty-fing-two! You're too young for a serious relationship. DTB and move on. If she's still around when you're 25 and have your career settled down, then be happy.

Anyhow, what Chundles said is quite true, people do tend to adopt the behavior of those around them. It's part of our animal encoding, we humans generally want to fit in with our peers. (Sorry, wrong thread!).

Ultimately though, people do change over time, what you need to avoid trying to do is try and change them or expect that they will change in a way that you will like better. If you don't like the new her, either move on or learn to at least accept it, but don't expect her to go back to the way she was or the way you'd like her to ideally be.

B

 

[twoodcc]

That's what happens to many people in their early twenties.


Why don't you ask her? Or go along?



That says a lot right there. Major issues under the surface.


Has this perhaps become a relationship of habit?

well, like i said before, i always thought that we were 'different' from those people.....but, maybe it was just me all along....

if it were with different people, i'd probably go with her. but she's a firm christian, and this is against her ways. she's very close with her family, who are also strong christians....

 

[livingfortoday]

I recently went through something kind of similar with my gf. She started going to clubs with her roommate, even though she doesn't drink, but it was a social thing her roommate wanted her to be a part of, I guess. Plus, she enjoys dancing. She actually asked me if I worried about it, if I trusted her, and we talked about it. In the end, for me it came down to the fact that I can't control someone else's life, so trust doesn't even really factor into it. I can tell her I don't like what she does, but it's not my decision.

I ultimately figured there was nothing to worry about, because I do trust that she won't make bad decisions, and I think she's intelligent and mature about the situations she does get in. I guess my situation is a little different too in that I'm about 450 miles away from her, though we see each other each or every other weekend. You kind of learn to accept that each of you will have separate parts of your lives that way.

Uh, I don't know if this helped any. Just felt like you might appreciate knowing there's someone else in the same situation!

 

[twoodcc]

To quote Tom Leykis, you're twenty-fing-two! You're too young for a serious relationship. DTB and move on. If she's still around when you're 25 and have your career settled down, then be happy.

Anyhow, what Chundles said is quite true, people do tend to adopt the behavior of those around them. It's part of our animal encoding, we humans generally want to fit in with our peers. (Sorry, wrong thread!).

Ultimately though, people do change over time, what you need to avoid trying to do is try and change them or expect that they will change in a way that you will like better. If you don't like the new her, either move on or learn to at least accept it, but don't expect her to go back to the way she was or the way you'd like her to ideally be.

B

moving on is easier said than done......i haven't had to cook at all since i've been in college.....but not just that, she's always been here, so i've never been alone either.

when i talked earlier, i tried to show her how she's changing.....that didn't go so well.

it's hard to let go after so long......we had talked about marriage after working for a year...

I recently went through something kind of similar with my gf. She started going to clubs with her roommate, even though she doesn't drink, but it was a social thing her roommate wanted her to be a part of, I guess. Plus, she enjoys dancing. She actually asked me if I worried about it, if I trusted her, and we talked about it. In the end, for me it came down to the fact that I can't control someone else's life, so trust doesn't even really factor into it. I can tell her I don't like what she does, but it's not my decision.

I ultimately figured there was nothing to worry about, because I do trust that she won't make bad decisions, and I think she's intelligent and mature about the situations she does get in. I guess my situation is a little different too in that I'm about 450 miles away from her, though we see each other each or every other weekend. You kind of learn to accept that each of you will have separate parts of your lives that way.

Uh, I don't know if this helped any. Just felt like you might appreciate knowing there's someone else in the same situation!

thanks for sharing....

the main difference is that before, she didn't like to dance. she still doesn't dance much, maybe a little.

about decision making....she's never been in these situations, and it's hard for her to say 'no'. she's always nice to everyone

 

[livingfortoday]

when i talked earlier, i tried to show her how she's changing.....that didn't go so well.

Yeah, people always change, it's just a matter of being open to change or changing yourself as well. Keep in mind that when she moves out, or her roommate does, she may well change again.

it's hard for her to say 'no'. she's always nice to everyone

Ha, that sounds like my girlfriend to a t, my friend. She's always helping people out, or accepting to do ridiculous things just 'cause she's too damn nice. My gruff, angry attitude hasn't rubbed off on her yet. But I'll get her hating the world with me soon enough!

 

[pseudobrit]

well, like i said before, i always thought that we were 'different' from those people.....but, maybe it was just me all along....

if it were with different people, i'd probably go with her. but she's a firm christian, and this is against her ways. she's very close with her family, who are also strong christians....

Going out and spending time with friends at a club is not an affront to Christ.

I think you need to sit down alone some weekend, detach your emotions and past expectations from the issue and look at it objectively and make some decisions about where you're at and where this is heading.

 

[balamw]

it's hard to let go after so long......we had talked about marriage after working for a year...

I'm actually serious about the Leykis stuff. Work on your career, meet people, and don't think about marriage or kids until your career is established which'll take longer than a year or two.

Even though I was already married at 21 (1 year out of college and many moons ago), I wouldn't recommend it. At least we were smart enough to wait until our thirties to have kids.

There's a good reason many young marriages don't last and end in divorce or worse.

B

 

[twoodcc]

Yeah, people always change, it's just a matter of being open to change or changing yourself as well. Keep in mind that when she moves out, or her roommate does, she may well change again.

yeah, but in my opinion, you shouldn't change for someone else, or b/c of someone else...

Ha, that sounds like my girlfriend to a t, my friend. She's always helping people out, or accepting to do ridiculous things just 'cause she's too damn nice. My gruff, angry attitude hasn't rubbed off on her yet. But I'll get her hating the world with me soon enough!

yeah, that's why i'm afraid something is bound to happen eventually

Going out and spending time with friends at a club is not an affront to Christ.

I think you need to sit down alone some weekend, detach your emotions and past expectations from the issue and look at it objectively and make some decisions about where you're at and where this is heading.

well it probably depends on what club it is.....being around 'booty dancing' and drunk people isn't what Christ had in mind....

but yes, i do need to think this through....that's why i brought it here

 

[balamw]

yeah, but in my opinion, you shouldn't change for someone else, or b/c of someone else...

And that's the rub. You expect her to change who she is now for you, but seem unwilling to meet her halfway. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

B

 

[twoodcc]

I'm actually serious about the Leykis stuff. Work on your career, meet people, and don't think about marriage or kids until your career is established which'll take longer than a year or two.

Even though I was already married at 21 (1 year out of college and many moons ago), I wouldn't recommend it. At least we were smart enough to wait until our thirties to have kids.

There's a good reason many young marriages don't last and end in divorce or worse.

B

well, i'm sure you know the saying 'all the riches in the world don't mean s***', and i kinda believe it.

i've got a nice truck, tons of computers....but really, it would mean less without her

but in a sense you're right too, i am my own person, and she might not always be there....(gotta have a plan 'b')

if i ever did get married, i don't think it would turn out bad (but it could).

 

[livingfortoday]

yeah, that's why i'm afraid something is bound to happen eventually

Thing is, though, you can't really control it. So it's best to not let it worry you too much. If things go south, that's the way they go, and as long as you were good to her, you've got nothing to be sad about. Well, you do, but not as much. It's best to not try to constrain someone, especially so young - people still need time to grow and figure out who they really are, and that's all this sounds like on her part. Just ride it out, man, it's crazy where the world can take you.

 

[twoodcc]

And that's the rub. You expect her to change who she is now for you, but seem unwilling to meet her halfway. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success.

B

well, maybe in a way.....i'd be willing to work if she was....i guess i should say "shouldn't change what makes you who you are" which i guess is everything, but maybe that makes sense

Thing is, though, you can't really control it. So it's best to not let it worry you too much. If things go south, that's the way they go, and as long as you were good to her, you've got nothing to be sad about. Well, you do, but not as much. It's best to not try to constrain someone, especially so young - people still need time to grow and figure out who they really are, and that's all this sounds like on her part. Just ride it out, man, it's crazy where the world can take you.

yeah, maybe, but easier said than done.

i know i can't control things, but i hate feeling helpless.

i'm not the type to sit and 'ride-it-out'. i'm not the most patient person either. (very energetic, and btw, so is my dog - something to do with evolution maybe?........nah) - that's for B

another thing is that i've already been through a lot in my life (some things i'm not proud of, but let's just say, i've been around the people at those types of places, and i've been one of them too)
and i guess she hasn't been through as much

 

[balamw]

(gotta have a plan 'b')

if i ever did get married, i don't think it would turn out bad (but it could).

It ain't about the riches, it's about leaving your options open until you know who you are, and since these days our careers make up a big part of our lives focus on that for a while. You didn't study this long to have to take any lousy entry level job to support your wife and kids, did you?

The statistics are against you. Over half of the early marriages end in divorce in the US, and you can bet that plenty of the half that stay married do so unhappily. (EDIT: Half of ALL first marriages in the US end in divorce, and the incidence is higher for those who marry young. Go ahead, flip a coin.).

B

 

[gekko513]

It's quite normal in the late teens and early twenties to try out different things. In psychology it's often considered healthy for the development of an identity based on own choices instead of adopting someone elses values and identity without much question. It should be quite possible for you both to go through this period where forming an identity is so important and come out of it as a stronger couple, but of course it's also possible you may grow apart.

I wish you good luck.

 

[twoodcc]

It ain't about the riches, it's about leaving your options open until you know who you are, and since these days our careers make up a big part of our lives focus on that for a while. You didn't study this long to have to take any lousy entry level job to support your wife and kids, did you?

The statistics are against you. Over half of the early marriages end in divorce in the US, and you can bet that plenty of the half that stay married do so unhappily.

B

maybe the odds are against me, but i've been proving people wrong my whole life (mainly my dad)

but you do have a point. it's just, a lot of life has her in it

It's quite normal in the late teens and early twenties to try out different things. In psychology it's often considered healthy for the development of an identity based on own choices instead of adopting someone elses values and identity without much question. It should be quite possible for you both to go through this period where forming an identity is so important and come out of it as a stronger couple, but of course it's also possible you may grow apart.

I wish you good luck.

thanks.

well, holidays is a big deal to her. should i 'go with the flow' or stand my ground?

 

[balamw]

well, holidays is a big deal to her. should i 'go with the flow' or stand my ground?

IMHO, likely outcomes:

Go with the flow: You'll live to see 2007 with her and see where it goes from there.

Stand your ground: It'll push her even more to stand her own ground and you'll be at a stalemate which'll end badly, probably before 2007.

Remember you already said:

when i talked earlier, i tried to show her how she's changing.....that didn't go so well.

B

 

[twoodcc]

IMHO, likely outcomes:

Go with the flow: You'll live to see 2007 with her and see where it goes from there.

Stand your ground: It'll push her even more to stand her own ground and you'll be at a stalemate which'll end badly, probably before 2007.

Remember you already said:


B

you might be right.....but living til 2007 really isn't that long. but i guess i could stick it out til after the holidays....

let's just say i've always been the one 'in control' if you will.....and whenever things go wrong, i'm usually the one that fixes them (seems like no matter what it was, or no matter how far i dug myself, i could always climb out and fix it)

i probably could now (99.9% sure), but would it change anything?

to me, in this relationship, it was about making each other happy, and caring for each other. i think i care for her more than she does me, and the same with making her happy.

based on that, should i continue to give my efforts?

 

[gekko513]

thanks.

well, holidays is a big deal to her. should i 'go with the flow' or stand my ground?

I think you should probably talk about the changes you've seen, but I'd be careful about saying it bothers you or say you want it back to way things were. That could just push her away. If you ask her about the changes in a positive way, as if you're interested in the things she's doing, you might find out more about what's going on in her mind.

If she's doing it because she thinks it's new and exiting, maybe you should consider joining her in doing new and exiting things. She may need to do these things, and if she feels you're holding her back she could turn against you. You could make a joke and say something like, just don't make it a habit, or something. After a while you'll find out if it's just something she needed to get out of the system.

This is just my opinion, though, and I'm not a psychologist despite my previous psychology comment. I just took a psychology class this semester.

 

[twoodcc]

I think you should probably talk about the changes you've seen, but I'd be careful about saying it bothers you or say you want it back to way things were. That could just push her away. If you ask her about the changes in a positive way, as if you're interested in the things she's doing, you might find out more about what's going on in her mind.

If she's doing it because she thinks it's new and exiting, maybe you should consider joining her in doing new and exiting things. She may need to do these things, and if she feels you're holding her back she could turn against you. You could make a joke and say something like, just don't make it a habit, or something. After a while you'll find out if it's just something she needed to get out of the system.

This is just my opinion, though, and I'm not a psychologist despite my previous psychology comment. I just took a psychology class this semester.

well she hasn't been doing this much, but i've noticed changes for awhile now.

i guess i could try to talk about change in a positive way, but before i do that, i need to decide if i want to stay with her.

for some reason i made her a slideshow tonight ...with the song "The day before you" by Rascal Flatts. i really don't know why i made it though. i was very mad earlier

 

[balamw]

I think i care for her more than she does me, and the same with making her happy.

based on that, should i continue to give my efforts?

Efforts to simply talk to her in a non-confrontational way, yes.
Efforts to try to take things back to where you thought they were, no. (Particularly over a short period of time).

To me, the quoted statement above seems like a warning sign. Have you discussed that aspect of your relationship with her?

EDIT: If you already feel this way, it's unlikely that this will improve over time and it could ultimately lead to resentment further down the line....

B