Yeah, if you're in doubt there, I don't have any advice other than to figure out your own feelings and thoughts about the relationship and your life. There's no right answer here. There's only your answer.
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yes i have talked to her about this, and she disagrees. but of course she wouldn't admit to it
yeah, i guess you're right.
maybe based on what i've said so far, you can tell what i'm leaning towards...?
Since you've gone as far as bringing it up here, I can only guess you're not happy about the situation.
Don't date out of habit. Just because you've been dating for 5 years (since you were what, 17?) doesn't mean anything.
People change; maybe the changes are working against you and splitting into your separate ways will be better.
People change; maybe the changes are working against you and splitting into your separate ways will be better.
twoodcc, having read through your posts I think you have historically had too much control of the relationship and losing that is where your worries are coming from. Firstly, the whole Christian thing. Belief in god and having fun are not mutually exclusive. If your gf is going out with her friends and enjoying herself it's not a problem. Personally I think you should let your hair down and ask if you can come along too. She's your girl. Dance with her and tell her she looks fantastic whilst she's doing it. Enjoy yourselves. It's not going to offend anyone, especially not the church.
I'm a bit worried about you though. You say you can't cook, which these days for a young man of 22 simply isn't normal. The traditional roles of man and wife have changed over the years, and I'm wondering whether your gf's now thinking you're being too inflexible with how you view her role in your future together, especially if she is living with other independent young women and seeing how they do things. A nice easy way to show your flexibility is learning to cook and make her a meal once in a while. If you mess it up, laugh about the fact you're no good at it, but don't stop trying. She'll appreciate it.
I don't think there's a problem here really. A bit of effort and you'll be closer than ever, but please talk with her and think hard about what she says. If you truly love her and are meant to be with her, it has to be fully equal.
I'm a bit worried about you though. You say you can't cook, which these days for a young man of 22 simply isn't normal. The traditional roles of man and wife have changed over the years, and I'm wondering whether your gf's now thinking you're being too inflexible with how you view her role in your future together, especially if she is living with other independent young women and seeing how they do things. A nice easy way to show your flexibility is learning to cook and make her a meal once in a while. If you mess it up, laugh about the fact you're no good at it, but don't stop trying. She'll appreciate it.
I don't think there's a problem here really. A bit of effort and you'll be closer than ever, but please talk with her and think hard about what she says. If you truly love her and are meant to be with her, it has to be fully equal.
I'm also in a 5 year relationship, this year we've been apart 4 straight months (between January and May).
When she broke the news that she would be going away for that period of time with no chance of us seeing each other (different continent, lol) it didn't make me jump out of happiness,.. I was sad, obviously, but I respected her personal ambition and her for being a strong person with goals, I told her to go, that it would be important for her career (and boy did I wanted her to stay...).
Eventually she came back (2 weeks earlier than expected) and we're much stronger now than we were before, I like to think that if i'd objected to the whole "going away" thing, I wouldn't be with her today. Trust and Respect is everything IMO...
Just to make my point that "sometimes when you want to keep something you life, you have to let go".
Hope it all turns out OK for you.
When she broke the news that she would be going away for that period of time with no chance of us seeing each other (different continent, lol) it didn't make me jump out of happiness,.. I was sad, obviously, but I respected her personal ambition and her for being a strong person with goals, I told her to go, that it would be important for her career (and boy did I wanted her to stay...).
Eventually she came back (2 weeks earlier than expected) and we're much stronger now than we were before, I like to think that if i'd objected to the whole "going away" thing, I wouldn't be with her today. Trust and Respect is everything IMO...
Just to make my point that "sometimes when you want to keep something you life, you have to let go".
Hope it all turns out OK for you.
Ha, that sounds like my girlfriend to a t, my friend. She's always helping people out, or accepting to do ridiculous things just 'cause she's too damn nice. My gruff, angry attitude hasn't rubbed off on her yet. But I'll get her hating the world with me soon enough!
That's my girlfriend there. Dunno what her problem is!
yeah, i'm clearly not happy about it
yep, since i was 17. but it does mean something, at least i think so
but you're right, some people change. but to me, my 'core' hasn't changed, and probably never will
thank you for reading and responding. it seems that you really put some thought into that post, and i think it will help.
it's not that i can't cook, i just haven't hardly cooked anything in the last 5 years, and i have no food in my apartment (i always eat in her room). but she loves to cook (most people say 'don't let that one go') but you are right, i should try to cook for her sometimes
i like you're last statement. and you're probably right. this is probably nothing, only what i'm making it. but what do i tell myself when she does things that bother me?
i don't think i could do that. but if i had to, then i guess i would.
i haven't read all the responses, just the first post, so ignore me if i'm being redundant, but...
i went through a very similar thing when i was 21/22ish... my girlfriend of 3 years started seeking a more independent social life, including things she and i never did like going to clubs, etc. she started drinking (neither of us drank at the time). these things most certainly aren't bad, and don't make her a bad person, but they were signs that we were growing apart. she was one year out of college and i'd just graduated... that's a very dynamic time in your life, and people are naturally changing a lot figuring out what they want to do with their lives. anyways, we ended up breaking up and now 3.5 years later, i'm engaged to another girl, and i couldn't be happier that we ended it when we did!
i'd say give it some time, and if it seems like it's affecting things, like you're growing apart, then it may be in both of your best interests to take a break from each other and see what happens. it certainly isn't a sign that things are over, but it could potentially be a sign of deeper changes, beyond just different interests.
i agree. when you talk to her about the changes in her life, don't judge her for them, just talk about it objectively, and how it affects your relationship. if she wants to do entirely different things to you, then maybe you aren't meant to be together. however, like i said in my previous post, these changes don't make her bad at all, just different and not right for you at this point in life.
i went through a very similar thing when i was 21/22ish... my girlfriend of 3 years started seeking a more independent social life, including things she and i never did like going to clubs, etc. she started drinking (neither of us drank at the time). these things most certainly aren't bad, and don't make her a bad person, but they were signs that we were growing apart. she was one year out of college and i'd just graduated... that's a very dynamic time in your life, and people are naturally changing a lot figuring out what they want to do with their lives. anyways, we ended up breaking up and now 3.5 years later, i'm engaged to another girl, and i couldn't be happier that we ended it when we did!
i'd say give it some time, and if it seems like it's affecting things, like you're growing apart, then it may be in both of your best interests to take a break from each other and see what happens. it certainly isn't a sign that things are over, but it could potentially be a sign of deeper changes, beyond just different interests.
i agree. when you talk to her about the changes in her life, don't judge her for them, just talk about it objectively, and how it affects your relationship. if she wants to do entirely different things to you, then maybe you aren't meant to be together. however, like i said in my previous post, these changes don't make her bad at all, just different and not right for you at this point in life.
You're welcome. Glad to help.
She is going to do things that bother you, just as you will do things that bother her. That's inevitable, but don't be insecure about it, it's normal for any relationship. You won't be the same people in 20 years time that you are today, just like you aren't the same people today you were 5 years ago. If she's spending time with her friends it doesn't mean she loves you less, only that she's exploring something new. Learn to adapt to these small changes and all will be well.
I think what you really need to hear right now is her saying she loves you. Think of something you can do to spoil her for an evening. That ought to do the trick.
A few things here worry me twoodcc:
1. You're annoyed that your +1 is gaining independence and finding new ways to enjoy herself.
2. You're facing down the barrel of a break-up after five years and the first thing that worries you about that she won't be cooking dinner anymore. Reminds me of that scene where the guy comes home from work as he always does, throws his hat on the rack as he always does and sits down to eat dinner served up by the wife as he has always done. Except this time his wife has left him and instead of worry about her he spends ages wandering around the house looking for his dinner. "Where's my dinner?" he asks over and over, looking in more and more ridiculous places for anything he might eat.
Are you in a "Where's my dinner" relationship? One based on routine and familiarity? Certainly sounds like it to me. You know what they say - familiarity breeds contempt.
The dynamics of this relationship seem to be very askew, more like symbiosis where you are two people living off each other for mutual benefit rather than a genuine desire to be together.
It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me, very "Stepford Wives" if you must ask.
This is all from an outside perspective remember and based solely on the information given to us in this thread.
1. You're annoyed that your +1 is gaining independence and finding new ways to enjoy herself.
2. You're facing down the barrel of a break-up after five years and the first thing that worries you about that she won't be cooking dinner anymore. Reminds me of that scene where the guy comes home from work as he always does, throws his hat on the rack as he always does and sits down to eat dinner served up by the wife as he has always done. Except this time his wife has left him and instead of worry about her he spends ages wandering around the house looking for his dinner. "Where's my dinner?" he asks over and over, looking in more and more ridiculous places for anything he might eat.
Are you in a "Where's my dinner" relationship? One based on routine and familiarity? Certainly sounds like it to me. You know what they say - familiarity breeds contempt.
The dynamics of this relationship seem to be very askew, more like symbiosis where you are two people living off each other for mutual benefit rather than a genuine desire to be together.
It just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me, very "Stepford Wives" if you must ask.
This is all from an outside perspective remember and based solely on the information given to us in this thread.
Just a friendly note from the moderator, popping in to remind everyone that we ask you to combine your comments into a single post or use the forum's multi-quote feature rather than making several consecutive posts within a few minute's time. Thanks.
Eheh, no problem, It happened to me a few months ago so the momentum is still pretty fresh, that's why I decided to share my story. Anyway, sometimes when we try to fight-back these "natural" changes it just makes things worse because the other person thinks "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me and/or respect my world, goals and ambitions".
One thing that people are always leaving behind these days is the fact that your GF/BF is supposed to be your best friend, and if my best friend came to me saying that she was going away to another country for some time I would truly say "that's great!! have fun for the both of us and keep in touch!!
". I wasn't gonna spoil the moment with possessive crap right?And xJulianx, believe me when I say, if your GF goes away and comes back to you, she will respect you more than ever for trusting her and letting her chase her ambitions.
It sounds like she hasn't had the opportunity to explore a different social life in years, and now that she has a roommate who has introduced her to this life, she is taking advantage of it.
It's good for her to break out and have experiences that she hasn't had before now as opposed to in, say, 15 years when she is married with children.
I don't pretend to fully understand the situation, but I'd definitely say that you should take a step back and look at the situation. Put yourself in her shoes.
Seems like she has been restrained by someone or something for a long time. Even now, at 22, she's being judged for trying to experience new things. I doubt she was allowed much freedom when she was younger (she came from a quite religious family right?) and you appear to maintain the religious views of her parents. I get the impression she has finally learned to enjoy some different social scenes and aspects of college that, before, she felt she wasn't allowed to take part in. Maybe this is because she realized she only has a few months left before she has to start life after college? Having spent 3 of 4 years of college in one relationship, cooking dinner every night and never partying or going out with friends I would definitely feel a little bit of urgency to experience what I had missed.
You say she's starting to change 'for the worse', but is going out to clubs with her friends inherently bad? Maybe she's doing it because she finds it fun! Have you ever been out with your friends to a club? Before she probably felt she would be judged for going out with her friends and only now is she willing to just do it and take whatever judgment comes with it.
It's good for her to break out and have experiences that she hasn't had before now as opposed to in, say, 15 years when she is married with children.
I don't pretend to fully understand the situation, but I'd definitely say that you should take a step back and look at the situation. Put yourself in her shoes.
Seems like she has been restrained by someone or something for a long time. Even now, at 22, she's being judged for trying to experience new things. I doubt she was allowed much freedom when she was younger (she came from a quite religious family right?) and you appear to maintain the religious views of her parents. I get the impression she has finally learned to enjoy some different social scenes and aspects of college that, before, she felt she wasn't allowed to take part in. Maybe this is because she realized she only has a few months left before she has to start life after college? Having spent 3 of 4 years of college in one relationship, cooking dinner every night and never partying or going out with friends I would definitely feel a little bit of urgency to experience what I had missed.
You say she's starting to change 'for the worse', but is going out to clubs with her friends inherently bad? Maybe she's doing it because she finds it fun! Have you ever been out with your friends to a club? Before she probably felt she would be judged for going out with her friends and only now is she willing to just do it and take whatever judgment comes with it.
it could be that we are starting to grow apart a little, but i don't think it's going to end our relationship, or at least not quite yet. but we'll see pretty soon
yeah, i know she'll do things that bother me. but how do i not let things bother me?
i did make her a slideshow last night. i showed it to her this morning, and we talked. things are least 'back on track' right now. but it doesn't mean thinigs are fixed.
well, she may be having some fun, but i think ya'll are getting the wrong picture. let me explain a little more. before me, she had a few boyfriends, but nothing serious. i was her first 'real' boyfriend. she was very shy (i mean very), but we had a lot in common. i was shy as well, but i had the courage to call her up one day about math (and she really thought it was just for math!) but she was a shy girl, didn't talk very much, didn't dance, wasn't very outgoing. but that was her.
she finally opened up to me, and got more comfortable with me. but she doesn't drink b/c her older brother just got out of jail from his third DUI. he's got 2 kids. so she hates alcohol.
and i don't want you to get the wrong idea. she does cook for me, almost every meal, but i thank her every time. i don't demand her fix me something, and sometimes i take her out to eat.
it might sound that way, but i wouldn't totally agree. i kinda explained a little more detail about her earlier.
as far as putting myself in her shoes, that's the thing. i do that all the time (that's probably why we're still together) but she never puts herself in my shoes. that's another thing that bothers me pretty bad.
well i personally think that going to the clubs around here is for the worse. but maybe it's because i'm 'different' than other people. i one of the few people around here that 'mean what they say', and things like 'being reliable' means something to me.
Eheh, no problem, It happened to me a few months ago so the momentum is still pretty fresh, that's why I decided to share my story. Anyway, sometimes when we try to fight-back these "natural" changes it just makes things worse because the other person thinks "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me and/or respect my world, goals and ambitions".
One thing that people are always leaving behind these days is the fact that your GF/BF is supposed to be your best friend, and if my best friend came to me saying that she was going away to another country for some time I would truly say "that's great!! have fun for the both of us and keep in touch!!
And xJulianx, believe me when I say, if your GF goes away and comes back to you, she will respect you more than ever for trusting her and letting her chase her ambitions.
Absolutely agree with you. And lately, I have been getting much closer with my friends, and have what I would call a very healthy balance between girlfriend and friends. With this balance, I feel that I could go without either (for whatever reason it may be) for an extended period of time.
Don't know if that really makes sense to anyone, but it does to me and thats all that matters in my blinkered view of the world haha.
I don't know if I would want to test that out. At least, at the point I'm at, I would rather know that friends are there in case the relationship ends.
I think I may have phrased what I said incorrectly. I don't mean I could just not bother seeing my friends for ages. I mean if, a portion of my friends went away for an extended period of time, I would be okay....
...the point is, when my girlfriend goes away in 6months or so, I'm not going to threat too much over it, sure I'll be sad, it will be a sad goodbye, but she will be back before I know it while I slum it out with my pals.
My friends have always, and probably always will be there for me, and me likewise to them, I would never choose them over a girl...never.
OK, well I didn't really read much of this thread, because let's face it, I'm too lazy. I do understand the general idea of what this thread is about, though.
That said, this is something I think nearly all young couples who are serious about each other face at one time or another. It is certainly something I've had to face in relationships multiple times.
The worse was a few years back. I was dating a girl for a little over two years when she decided that she wanted to "break free" so-to-speak, and be a little more wild than she usually is. Long story short, we decided we were very different people and then she left me for some other guy who was a little more like her. I would choose very different words to describe him, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
The girl I'm seeing now, of 2 years and some odd months, has recently turned 21. Yay... she likes to drink now and then (though luckily doesn't do any heavy partying), whereas I don't drink at all. She used to be a big party girl but decided she didn't like where that was taking her in life - this decision she made on her own long before I met her is the foundation for my trust in her that she won't return to her old habits. This, and the fact that she generally makes good decisions.
I guess what I've learned from my own experiences is that you just need to decide whether or not you trust her, and if you do, then let her be who she wants to be and don't worry until she gives you a reason to (if ever). If you don't feel like you can trust her, then you need to talk to her, but it sounds like you may have trust issues of your own.
That said, this is something I think nearly all young couples who are serious about each other face at one time or another. It is certainly something I've had to face in relationships multiple times.
The worse was a few years back. I was dating a girl for a little over two years when she decided that she wanted to "break free" so-to-speak, and be a little more wild than she usually is. Long story short, we decided we were very different people and then she left me for some other guy who was a little more like her. I would choose very different words to describe him, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
The girl I'm seeing now, of 2 years and some odd months, has recently turned 21. Yay... she likes to drink now and then (though luckily doesn't do any heavy partying), whereas I don't drink at all. She used to be a big party girl but decided she didn't like where that was taking her in life - this decision she made on her own long before I met her is the foundation for my trust in her that she won't return to her old habits. This, and the fact that she generally makes good decisions.
I guess what I've learned from my own experiences is that you just need to decide whether or not you trust her, and if you do, then let her be who she wants to be and don't worry until she gives you a reason to (if ever). If you don't feel like you can trust her, then you need to talk to her, but it sounds like you may have trust issues of your own.
Trust is overrated. If something is about to happen it will, somethings stimulate things to happen faster but stopping someone from doing something once wont garantee it wont happen. Trying to get her to stop going to clubs with her friends (that you dont know ) may not help. Sounds like she really likes her new style, since you metioned that you tried talking to her to no avail.
Also trusting someone with your whole heart doesnot guarantee anything. Its something i like to call "Chronic Optimism" and all human beings suffer from it (one belives what is easiest to belive, which is what he wants to belive). Ever wondered why all girls look pretty in the dark?
Anyways i learned about trust the hard way, the minute i trust her most, she messed, still recuperating from that, but i sstill love her and we're still together.
Fact of teh matter is, it is plain that her new "lifestyle" is hurting your relationship, my advice. Tell her just that. (I can give you the words if you want). Dont wait for something stupid to happen, trust me, you can loose yourself and you girl in the healing process.
) may not help. Sounds like she really likes her new style, since you metioned that you tried talking to her to no avail. Also trusting someone with your whole heart doesnot guarantee anything. Its something i like to call "Chronic Optimism" and all human beings suffer from it (one belives what is easiest to belive, which is what he wants to belive). Ever wondered why all girls look pretty in the dark?
Anyways i learned about trust the hard way, the minute i trust her most, she messed, still recuperating from that, but i sstill love her and we're still together.
Fact of teh matter is, it is plain that her new "lifestyle" is hurting your relationship, my advice. Tell her just that. (I can give you the words if you want). Dont wait for something stupid to happen, trust me, you can loose yourself and you girl in the healing process.
It sounds like you are serious about her, and want to keep her in your life. Congratulations.
You know, from a woman's perspective, it sounds like maybe *she* is not as happy in the relationship as she used to be, and therefore increasingly focusing her private life on things outside of her relationship with you.
So I feel the best way to go would be not to be accusatory or confrontational, but to be extra nice and ask her how she feels about the relationship, and what could be changed so she feels complete in it again.
So I'd do something like buy her something extra nice for Christmas (necklace, etc.). Then, not exactly at Christmas, but sometime around that time, I'd say something like "Baby girl, are you still happy with me? Is there anything I can do to make you happier? Please tell me anything that's on your mind."
Hopefully she'll tell you. It might be a number of things. She might feel trapped in the relationship, and just wanting a little fun. She might want to end the relationship. She might just be bored with the sameness of the relationship. Or she might be frustrated that you haven't proposed to her yet after 5 years. Or maybe she'd like to move in with you or something else along those lines but is too chicken to ask, and instead just gets silently frustrated with you. Maybe she's still crazy about you but wants that engagement ring on her finger, or maybe it's the opposite and she's tired of that same old same old and has decided she wants out. Or maybe she just needs a little break, or some hobbies of her own, or even just recognition for something that she did as her own person, not just as your sidekick. Or maybe she just wants a little fun and secretly longs for *you* to take her out to fun places like a club! And if you took her out for a fun night on the town instead of raising your index finger, maybe she'd stop going with her girlfriends. There's all kinds of possibilities.
Whatever it is, try to find out in a very understanding, nice way. Try to make her feel comfortable so she'll hopefully open up. If she wants out, at least you'll know right away. And if not but she just has an issue with the relationship, then you'll know and most likely will be able to fix whatever she feels is broken. Just no accusations, ok? And emphasize that you want to make her happy -- that'll make her want to work this out with you, too. Good luck!
You know, from a woman's perspective, it sounds like maybe *she* is not as happy in the relationship as she used to be, and therefore increasingly focusing her private life on things outside of her relationship with you.
So I feel the best way to go would be not to be accusatory or confrontational, but to be extra nice and ask her how she feels about the relationship, and what could be changed so she feels complete in it again.
So I'd do something like buy her something extra nice for Christmas (necklace, etc.). Then, not exactly at Christmas, but sometime around that time, I'd say something like "Baby girl, are you still happy with me? Is there anything I can do to make you happier? Please tell me anything that's on your mind."
Hopefully she'll tell you. It might be a number of things. She might feel trapped in the relationship, and just wanting a little fun. She might want to end the relationship. She might just be bored with the sameness of the relationship. Or she might be frustrated that you haven't proposed to her yet after 5 years. Or maybe she'd like to move in with you or something else along those lines but is too chicken to ask, and instead just gets silently frustrated with you. Maybe she's still crazy about you but wants that engagement ring on her finger, or maybe it's the opposite and she's tired of that same old same old and has decided she wants out. Or maybe she just needs a little break, or some hobbies of her own, or even just recognition for something that she did as her own person, not just as your sidekick. Or maybe she just wants a little fun and secretly longs for *you* to take her out to fun places like a club! And if you took her out for a fun night on the town instead of raising your index finger, maybe she'd stop going with her girlfriends. There's all kinds of possibilities.
Whatever it is, try to find out in a very understanding, nice way. Try to make her feel comfortable so she'll hopefully open up. If she wants out, at least you'll know right away. And if not but she just has an issue with the relationship, then you'll know and most likely will be able to fix whatever she feels is broken. Just no accusations, ok? And emphasize that you want to make her happy -- that'll make her want to work this out with you, too. Good luck!
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Lau
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Jeez Never post on relationship stuff on internets!
I suggest you bail out before it deteriorates, preferably by dumping her then moonwalking out, throwing spoons at her.
Failing that if you HAVE to stay with the lassie, then let her feel the back of your hand, until she comes round to your way of thinking.
Seriously though squire, reading between the lines you both have drifted apart, and your relationship ain't going nowhere but splitsville.