Macbook gets a 20% speed bump
I predicted future!!!
Now with this accolade I'm going to actually bite at the topic...
1. Clean up the line-ups of everything.
iPhone SE -> iPhone 6s Mini
Macbook Air -> bye
Macbook -> two USB-C slots with a FREE adapter allowing to connect headphones, add 14" version with microSD slot, change the keyboard back to usable even if it means it has to be a while milimeter thicker and Ive throws a crying fit. Either drop the price to $999 (offer the 2015 model for $999) or keep Macbook Air 11" with added retina screen and call it Macbook Mini
Macbook Pro -> for the love of all that is good and pure do not make it throttle for sake of it being thinner
iPad Mini 2 -> bye
iPad Air 2 -> bye
iPad Mini 4 -> iPad Mini
iPad Pro 9.7" -> iPad
Differentiate models with year they were introduced – i.e. iPad Pro (2016) – rather than "SE" or "6s+". I'm pretty sure a non-techy customer will understand "iPhone (2016)" better than "iPhone 6s".
2. Update the damn Mac Pro, Apple display and fix the mess that Mac Mini has become. Offer the Mac Pro in rose gold if necessary but first update its internals.
3. Fix Apple Music – make it your number one priority – kick Spotify et al. to the curb by delivering flawless service instead of getting Taylor Swift for ads while I can't correctly sync my local library with my phone. Become the biggest in the business because you're the best, not because everybody's phone keeps on nagging people to "upgrade to Apple Music". See also: iTunes. By the way, hi Eddy, here's a carton box, I want you gone before the end of the day. Offer Apple Music 2 to beta-testers at no charge so when it's released into the wild it actually works 100% correct. Offer FaceTime and iMessages on Android/Windows machines. The fact that FaceTime is Apple only actually doesn't make people go and buy an iMac, it makes them use alternative software that works everywhere.
4. Split iOS into phone and iPad versions, this is ridiculous:
5. I'm not saying "fire Ive" but this should have never been approved:
If the camera needs to be thicker than the rest of the phone/iPad make the bloody devices 1 mm thicker and add extra battery life. As the Apple CEO I'm going to throw fits Jobs-style when someone shows me a mock-up with protruding camera and antenna lines that are nowhere near the colour of the actual iPhone.
Speaking on Ive, relieve him from designing MacOS apps, in particular Calendar and Mail. Test your software on people with less than perfect eyesight. Ive can stick to making tables and spaceships.
6. Unless the update is truly "revolutionary" stop with the 12-month cycle for OS X and focus on making it work as smoooooothly as possible for users. If we don't have anything truly shockingly amazing to add, rename it to macOS and take a card from Microsoft's book by putting out updates making things better and more stable rather than making early upgraders tear all of their hair out and scream at their VERY THIN computers. Oh, and take a look on threads here at the forums talking about what people want to see in the new versions of OS X, they have some very good points.
7. Send the 5400rpm drives the way of the floppies and CD drives.
7a. By doing so give people more reasons to update their computers than "ooh it's thinner and rose gold", put USB-C and Thunderbolt 3 on ALL your computers, instead of sorta randomly scattering random ports among various models, stop selling computers that cost €2129 and don't even have a Fusion drive. Upgrading an iMac to 512 GB SSD costs €360. Samsung EVO 500 1TB costs €269. Apple Tax is already included in the €2129 price. There's no need to impose it on optional updates.
7b. For similar reasons stop "saving money" by selling 16 GB iPhones – 32 GB and 128 GB replacing 16 and 64 GB models at same price (it's not like Apple is going to lose millions doing that). I guarantee that those whose granny only uses her iPhone 6s+ to FaceTime and check dating sites won't be upset by the fact she now has more storage. Keep the 3.5mm jack for at least two more years AND add perfectly working Bluetooth buds in the package so people can make up their mind and, hopefully, decide that they prefer wireless headphones rather than be forced to use them. Instead of Bluetooth buds we can think of Lightning headphones but then the port must be moved to the side simply because when you plug the headphones on there's absolutely no way to put the phone in one's pocket without risking that the plug will break.
7c. If a product costs $1299 in the US and €1449 in Europe there's something wrong (unless your goal is to minimise sales, then it's all good).
8. Stop charging megabucks for memory and disk upgrades in computers that can't be upgraded later on. Yes, buyers notice what is happening. Especially when they bring their brand new €2129 iMac home and discover it takes ten times as long to load the OS than on their son's €600 Windows 10 laptop.
9. If Cook was so great at inventory, why the hell do people have to wait for iPhone SE 64GB and Macbook Pro non-base models for bloody weeks? (That's why I fired him, obviously.)
10. As for iPhone updates, stop making it thinner and make it better. I know there are some people here who actually demand a 0.2 mm thinner phones because they are SOOOO FAAATTTT OMG and longer battery life is a terrible idea nobody needs or wants but I'd take that "gamble". It's embarrassing to see Samsung, HTC, Sony actually take over Apple with their designs and internals. Show Samsung their place (second).
I have no opinion on Apple Watch, Apple Car, Apple T-Shirt, Apple Fridge or Apple TV. Minions, go work on them then bring me finished products and impress me. In the meantime fix all that is wrong with existing products. Your goal is to make sure nobody wants to buy a Surface or a Dell PC when there are clearly superior Apple products at comparable prices.
*sits on throne*
