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Corny Jokes and One Liners

Another one for the Brits:

"Are you from America madam?"

"You think I am American just because I am a little overweight?"

"No madam, it's because this is Tesco and we don't sell guns."

:p

---

"Wallet," I said patting my trouser pocket. "Keys, mobile, passports."

"What about the kids?" shouted my wife.

"**** 'em. The house is well ablaze now!"
 
Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
In case they had a hole in one.

What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

What advantage does a golfer have over a fisherman?
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.
 
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no ****ing money in there.

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My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bollocks!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."
 
I admit to loving lawyer jokes, lawyers no offense intended! :D

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
 
A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bartender here?

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two, I just can't figure out how the get into the bulb.

How many phsychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
 
What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married?

Feyonce


What will Beyonce call Jay-Z if they get divorced?

Jay-X
 
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Two vampires come into a bar. The first vampire orders a Bloody Mary. The second vampire orders a cup of boiling water. So the first vampire says, "Hey stupid, what's with the cup of boiling water?" So he takes out a used tampon and he goes, "Cause I'm makin' TEA!"

images
OH!

-Dice Clay
 
My family is so poor, for my 12th birthday we had half a cake with 6 candles pushed against a mirror.

Neil Armstrong (RIP) use to tell these terrible Moon jokes. He'd always end them with, "I guess you had to be there."
 
Here's a dark one.

What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

You can only unload one of them with a pitch fork.
 
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