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Corny Jokes and One Liners

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. :confused:

2nd grade Teacher: Can anyone explain what heredity is?
Student: It's like, if your parents don't have kids, and your grandparents don't have kids, then you probably won't either.
 
Did you hear somebody stole the toilet at the police station? Apparently the cops have nothing to go on.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

iStudentUK said:
Ha! If we are going down the road of bad chemistry jokes then I think this one is particularly funny and bad-

Image
Click to expand...

... One for you.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A housewife, an accountant, an engineer, and a lawyer were all asked "what's 2 + 2?".

The housewife immediately said "4".

The accountant said "we think it's 4, but for tax purposes it could be 3".

The engineer said "we think it's 4, but we'll call it 5, just to be on the safe side".

The lawyer locked the doors, dimmed the lights, and asked in a soft voice "how much do you want it to be?"
 
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
 
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
 
Kid to friend's mom: "Can Billy come out and play?"
Mom: "You know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs!"
Kid: "Yeah, we just wanted to use him for first base."
 
Note: You can replace the characters in this joke with any stereotypical groups you like to make fun of!


A Linux user, a Mac user, and a Windows user are walking in the desert, each carrying something. They meet a curious man who asks them why.
Linux user: I'm carrying water. When it gets hot I can drink it.

Mac user: I'm carrying cash. When it gets hot I can buy water from the Linux user.

Windows user: I'm carrying a car door. When it gets hots I can roll down the window!​
 
Doctor Q said:
Note: You can replace the characters in this joke with any stereotypical groups you like to make fun of!
Click to expand...

Yes, and as it turns out, that's the most common form of joke world wide. In every corner, the locals have some outsiders they like to pick on.
 
Q & A's

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
 
(hope this one hasn't been done; don't ever come over here)

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

A half a cat.
 
Apparently George Best is really excited there's a winehouse on its way up to heaven..
 
Two TV antenna got married the other day. Wedding was crap but the reception was excellent.

Phycoduck said:
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Click to expand...

I lol'd.

A helium atom walks in to a bar
The bar tender says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here"
Helium doesn't react.
 
So, Amy Winehouse is dead. To be honest, we all saw it coming.

But Rupert Murdoch knew about it two months ago.
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
 
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