Grey Beard said:
Firstly, there are several thoughts that come to mind with the whole coming out thing. For a start, you must be true to yourself. Sure, honour your parents, they'll be all you'll get in this life. Families are all different and will have their own way in dealing with a son who is Gay. They could start with the denial thing, then, where did we go wrong, like, why us. Followed with (if you're still adolesent), it's only a stage you're going through. But it invariably comes down to them thinking only of them selves, how it affects their faith, what will their friends and neighbours think. It's ALL ABOUT THEM. They don't bring you into the scheme of things. Have they FORGOTTEN THEIR GAY BOY ? In a very few instances will you find an accepting mother and father. And that is something to be celebrated. That Guy really did have loving parents. However remember you can be part of the biggest universal family in the world.[/quote
As usual you hit things right on the head, with words that would make many a writer blush.
In some ways tough times and decisions w face in life can be looked upon as the Five Stages of Grief by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her book on Death and Dying:
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
Right now to be honest, I am doing battle with #4 in my personal trials of this past year. Moving rapidly (I hope) to #5. But as with many, it is not uncommon to bounce between these stages. I know that #2 comes up many more times than I would care for.
A common route is to escape 'to the city' If it's with further study in mind, and at a better academic institution, the financials have to be settled before fleeing the nest. You cannot sucessfully study, while worried about the next textbook or where your next meal will come from. So you must leave with a full fiscal plan set. An alternative is moving, setting up house, getting a real job if possible and doing study on a part time basis. A lot more draining though than just the student life. Then with the freedom of a life away from the apron strings, you must set a realistic balance between serious social scenes and serious study.
Again wise words. But at the same time these can be used as a crutch that keeps one shackled to a life that dooms one from true happiness.
Years ago I attended the Metropolitan Community Church (a Gay/Lesbian friendly church). Pastor Larry during the sermon talked about how we try to find comfort in tough situations. Bad job? We stay around. Bad apartment? We stay around. Bad relationship? We stay around. Why? Because we are fearful.
But if we have Faith, he said - the Good Lord will provide (you can insert your own beliefs in a higher power, just as valid IMO). For if you have Faith, you will be provided a roof over your head. Food on your table. And clothes on your back. That the "family" of the community will provide the social comfort needed to weather the storm.
At the time I was in a job I truly hated. The next morning I went in and put in my two weeks notice - all without a new job in sight. Three weeks later I found a job with a company that allowed for my first move from the DC area, at a 33% wage increase.
These are just a few random thoughts, by an embittered fag that's seen better days. Did I apply the rationale that I now espouse ? No freaking way !!! I broke every rule that I could, part completed study courses and then became either bored, or went off an a socially preferable tangent. I drank deeply from the bowl of life and became intoxicated with it. But the life of a social butterfly can be disconcertingly short. Nobody wants a tattered past it's prime butterfly. If you drink excessively from my metaphorical bowl of life, it can poison both your mind and your body. Take it from one who knows. I've been there and done that !!! Who in their right mind would make a decision to be a cynical raconteur. Only Robert Louis Stevenson to my knowledge, succeeded, when in Samoa he became, Tusi Tala, the Teller of Tales.
I'll deal with the religion and the faith aspect in another posting. But that'll be when I get my head a little straighter again.
However, everyone among us has to make their own mistakes. No one will learn from any wisdom or otherwise, taken from another's experience. I didn't.
Kevin
aka Grey Beard
Despite my lessons learned from years ago, I have failed to learn from them - sad to say. For if I had the times that I have gone through in the last few years may have not happened, or would have been lessened.
If I had only "listened" to my past - I could be much stronger emotionally than I am today. I do believe that if I had role models like yourself (yes, more present day), Lee, or Gary when I was coming out - I might be even stronger than I am today.
But is the positiveness of these messages that even provide an older soul like myself solace from you all on my own future. We can not expect that Frozone's, or any others, lightbulb will go on with our words overnight.
All we can hope is that words of support will ring a bell down the road. That people being held down by their families or churches (or maybe their own personal demons) will realize the fullest potential for their own happiness.
I know that the many kind (and not so kind words - more of a kick in the pants) words from those here on MR have maybe meant more than the hours I have spent with some therapists since April.
This may border more as a political rant, but the reality of today - verses when I was Frozone's age, is that it is even harder to cut "the apron strings" (no matter what country you live in).
I consider myself very fortunate that I ended up with some profit from my TH sale after the end of my relationship, in order to provide a cushion to live the way I want/need to. At 47 yo, and all the stuff I have accumulated in my life - it would be harder on me emotionally to move in with room mates. For where would I hang the 30+ photographs that I took?
I read with interest here about scem0 and others wanting eat more healthy, but not able to due to the cost. Sad to say the highlight of my week is going through the grocery store ads and coupons in order to get the most bang for my food dollar.
That being said, I would be more than happy if my fortunes had turned out differently. I may have been able to travel of late. But Just having a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, and a job to make it possible is enough for me. And friends to lean on when the hour gets the darkest (or so I think).
