@Scepticalscribe glad to hear that about mom.
And mom won’t let my foot in mouth from yesterday go.
I know part of it is her fears and loss of independence...
it takes two to tango though.
Plus I have to jump through hoops to get money back from my medical insurance because I did not submit the right form to them in an appeal (which I did not know), and I paid part of this invoice already because these doctors have been billing me for three months now. The woman in the hospital billing department is a saint. She is so patient.
Outside of these, I am fine and need to remember to get another of these holiday scratch off lottery tix tonight on the way home.
At that time, (2012), I found the neediness and clinginess - her clear fear and fright - and her complete lack of a conscience (a sort of fierce survival instinct) in thinking that I should be available day and night - very difficult to deal with.
This wasn't her; this was a woman who used to delight in turning up in strange countries and working out timetables and destinations for trams, and buses, and trains and tours all by herself, and heading off, cheerfully, alive with curiosity, to see what lay around the next corner, bend, mountain, town or valley.
But then, she was frightened and clingy and emotionally demanding.
I'm not the sort of person (woman) who was ever socialised into being able to deal with that; being responsible for someone else's life, physical, psychological, executive, and caring almost killed me.
But, the thing is, she deteriorated to the stage (as long as she is looked after well, and she is) she no longer cares, and her old character, which was sweet - (minus the fierce intelligence - I really miss the intellectual chats we used to have, about politics, power, books, theatre, history, culture - she loved all of this) has emerged.
At one level, her state of total dependency is heart-breaking, but she is sweet, and happy, and content and comfortable and - on her good days - keen to connect. And that is the payoff.
I can't - and won't - do the physical care stuff; it is a boundary I will not cross. And you -
@kazmac - need to think through in your own mind what you can, or will do - and, of equal importance, what you cannot and will not - ever - do. However, I can and do work in some of the most awful places on the planet, as an analyst, and that helps to fund her care.
I will say that if anyone - in 2011 - had told me how hard this would become, I would have collapsed. However, - as a friend, the very best student I ever taught (five degrees, including a first class Masters from Cambridge and a doctorate from Trinity College in Dublin) whose eldest son is profoundly autistic - recently reminded me, "it is like cooking a lobster; you'd never cope with the heat from the start; you can only cope with it gradually."
How right she is.
Set boundaries; try not to take the lashing out by a frightened and terrified woman personally - people lash out at those they are closest to - those they think will take it.
(Mind you, I had a huge row with the doctor after my mother hit me almost six years ago; I said I would not accept this from a man, why should I accept it from my mother - I will not tolerate violence in a relationship.)
Anyway: I do understand and it is not at all easy. Be kind to yourself, even if, especially if, others are unkind. (And yes, been there, too).
I’ve always loved black, deep shades of red and silver. But golden yellow, certain blues and other earth tones are swell too.
I have the sort of sallow complexion and dark colouring that means I can wear creams, yellows, blacks, terracotta, earth tones; but, since I first realised I can wear black well, I have hardly ever come out of it.
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Thanks for the tip, much appreciated! Will seek out this oil as soon as I get out of the apartment.
And get some tea tree oil, as well.
On long haul flights, I use both Olbas Oil and tree oil - on tissues, which I inhale, or, on particularly crowded and unpleasant flights, neat into nostril (yes, with very clean hands or fingers); trust me, it works.
For night time, to encourage sleep, I'd recommend that you put a few drops of Olbas Oil on your pillow.
