1) Is it possible to calm down the dPU to 0W?
Yes. You can get it down to 0W. Run
sudo pmset -a gpuswitch 0
This will completely disable the dgpu. If you plug in a monitor to the tb3 port it will not work at all. But your eGPU will still work to drive external displays.
If you already have apps using the dGPU, they might hold onto it so reboot if it doesn't work immediately.
You might find the the iGPU, while using less power, does struggle with some tasks compared to the dgpu, and under high graphics load may still cause fans to spin up.
If you go to display preferences and drag the dock to the external display in the arrangement tab, that will set the external display as the default display. The GPU that drives the default display is used for all apps when launched. This can reduce load on the iGPU. Without having to individually configure every app to use eGPU.
Alternatively you can keep the internal display as default but set individual high GPU consumers to prefer the eGPU via checkbox on the info window for the app.
For myself, I found that the machine with eGPU and dGPU still enabled (5W) works just as good as with internal display only, and that is amazingly well and quiet. And I don't like having to quit all my apps when I unplug the eGPU. And I don't like how setting an external display as default actually moves all my windows to that display when I plug in.
So I just leave it all on default and allow macos to use the dgpu and use the eGPU purely to avoid 19W power draw and purely to drive the display, while the dgpu still does most of the work to render apps.
If you are at the desk 99% of the time, setting the eGPU as default display and disabling the dgpu will give the best possible thermal and CPU and GPU performance. If that is still not good enough, then you'll have to consider a desktop instead.