That's very good
Here's a terrible one:
A man walks in to a library and says to the librarian: "Fish and chips please"
The librarian says: "This is a library"
The man says "oh sorry *wisper* fish and chips please"
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Corny Jokes and One Liners
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Here's a terrible one:
A man walks in to a library and says to the librarian: "Fish and chips please"
The librarian says: "This is a library"
The man says "oh sorry *wisper* fish and chips please"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire to keep warm But when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Did you hear someone stole the toilet down at the police station? The cops don't have a thing to go on.
Walk this way.
(If she could walk that way, she wouldn't need the talcum powder.)
How do mathematicians solve constipation?
Same as everything else...they work it out with a pencil.
(left over from the days of Polish jokes)
Why wasn't Jesus born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
(left over from the days of dead baby jokes)
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's Irish and sits on the porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.
------------
One of the great masters of sick, kinky, politically incorrect and just strange one-liners was Paul Lynde. Here are some of his best-known answers to questions on The Hollywood Squares:
Q: Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles easily.
Q: If the right part came along, would George C. Scott do a nude scene?
A: (feigning surprise) You mean he doesn't have the right part???
Q: When you pat a dog on the head, it will usually make him wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Make him bark!
Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
A: ...They are cute.
Q: Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
A: Yes. They're the ones that go, "a-doodle-doo!"
Q: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
A: A sheriff in Alabama.
Q: Who takes a longer time to have a baby -- your wife or your elephant?
A: (feigning shock) Who told you about my elephant?!
Q: Can female frogs croak?
A: They do if you hold their little heads underwater....
Q: What should you do if your parakeet has a temperature of 112 degrees?
A: Baste him!
Q: What is the official currency of Puerto Rico?
A: Food stamps.
Q: True of false: gypsy lore says that God created man by baking him in an oven?
A: (turns to Leslie Uggams) Looks like you were overcooked!
Q: How many fingers are in the Girl Scout salute?
A: I don't remember -- the last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.
Q: Any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell 'Man overboard!' What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?
A: Full speed ahead!
Q: What's a good reason for pounding meat?
A: Loneliness.
Walk this way.
(If she could walk that way, she wouldn't need the talcum powder.)
How do mathematicians solve constipation?
Same as everything else...they work it out with a pencil.
(left over from the days of Polish jokes)
Why wasn't Jesus born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
(left over from the days of dead baby jokes)
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's Irish and sits on the porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.
------------
One of the great masters of sick, kinky, politically incorrect and just strange one-liners was Paul Lynde. Here are some of his best-known answers to questions on The Hollywood Squares:
Q: Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Because chiffon wrinkles easily.
Q: If the right part came along, would George C. Scott do a nude scene?
A: (feigning surprise) You mean he doesn't have the right part???
Q: When you pat a dog on the head, it will usually make him wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Make him bark!
Q: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
A: ...They are cute.
Q: Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
A: Yes. They're the ones that go, "a-doodle-doo!"
Q: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
A: A sheriff in Alabama.
Q: Who takes a longer time to have a baby -- your wife or your elephant?
A: (feigning shock) Who told you about my elephant?!
Q: Can female frogs croak?
A: They do if you hold their little heads underwater....
Q: What should you do if your parakeet has a temperature of 112 degrees?
A: Baste him!
Q: What is the official currency of Puerto Rico?
A: Food stamps.
Q: True of false: gypsy lore says that God created man by baking him in an oven?
A: (turns to Leslie Uggams) Looks like you were overcooked!
Q: How many fingers are in the Girl Scout salute?
A: I don't remember -- the last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.
Q: Any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell 'Man overboard!' What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?
A: Full speed ahead!
Q: What's a good reason for pounding meat?
A: Loneliness.
Haven't read all these so.
I want to die like my grandfather died.
Peacefully in his sleep.
Unlike the passengers in his car.
I want to die like my grandfather died.
Peacefully in his sleep.
Unlike the passengers in his car.
Your friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and cook them, they will die.
(quit overthinking it)
(quit overthinking it)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
A polar bear and a seal are sitting on an ice floe. The polar bear looks at the seal and says,
"RAWRRRRRRRRRGGG" and then kills and eats him.
You walk into a plane full of Arabs talking about how much they hate America.
You arrive at your destination enlightened about the problems in American society.
I love anti-jokes.
The Holocaust.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
A polar bear and a seal are sitting on an ice floe. The polar bear looks at the seal and says,
"RAWRRRRRRRRRGGG" and then kills and eats him.
You walk into a plane full of Arabs talking about how much they hate America.
You arrive at your destination enlightened about the problems in American society.
I love anti-jokes.
Ok. Deadhead one-liners.
How do you know if a deadhead has been in your house ?
He's still there.
How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. change comes from within.
Where do you hide things from deadheads?
Under the soap.
If you see three flies in the bathroom, how do you know which one is the deadhead?
The one on the pot.
And finally :
This girl went to a Dead show with terrible tickets. She could barely even see the stage. Once the show began, she noticed an empty seat waaaaay in the front. She slowly made her way towards the stage, dodging ticket checkers left and right, and finally reached the empty seat. She was so close that Bobby could have spit on her. At the set break, she told the guy next to her that she couldn't believe that someone had given up such an incredible seat. The guy said, "Well, my wife and I had tickets to this show together, but she passed away." She said, "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you find someone else to come to the show with you, a friend or a relative or something?" The guy replied, "Nah. They're all at her funeral today."
How do you know if a deadhead has been in your house ?
He's still there.
How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. change comes from within.
Where do you hide things from deadheads?
Under the soap.
If you see three flies in the bathroom, how do you know which one is the deadhead?
The one on the pot.
And finally :
This girl went to a Dead show with terrible tickets. She could barely even see the stage. Once the show began, she noticed an empty seat waaaaay in the front. She slowly made her way towards the stage, dodging ticket checkers left and right, and finally reached the empty seat. She was so close that Bobby could have spit on her. At the set break, she told the guy next to her that she couldn't believe that someone had given up such an incredible seat. The guy said, "Well, my wife and I had tickets to this show together, but she passed away." She said, "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you find someone else to come to the show with you, a friend or a relative or something?" The guy replied, "Nah. They're all at her funeral today."
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