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Corny Jokes and One Liners

Irelands worst air disaster happened this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish rescue workers have recovered 1823 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.



There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don't.
 
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with just his torso touching the water? Doc.
On the floor in front of a door? Matt.
Under the car holding it up? Jack.
In your mailbox? Bill.
Flying out of the ball park? Homer.
With a flatulence problem? Gail.


Okay I'm done.
 
Stole this to post it here:

A lawyer and a priest tee off on the first hole of their game. The lawyer screws up his swing and exclaims "Damn! Missed!" The priest warns him, "You should not say such things under the eyes of the almighty." The lawyer shrugs this off as they continue. On the next hole the lawyer makes another terrible shot, "Damn! Missed!" he exclaims once again. Once again the Priest warns him, "You risk invoking the wrath of God if you continue your blasphemy sir." They arrive at the third hole and once more, "DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!" Suddenly the sky darkened with clouds, the temperature dropped to a chill, and before either golfer could comment on it, a lightning bolt from the heavens blazed down and fried the priest to a crisp. The lawyer then heard a deep, loud voice from beyond the horizon, "DAMN, MISSED."
Click to expand...
 
What do you do when you see a spaceman? . . . You parkman.

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where do you find a dog with no legs? . . . Where you left it.
What do you call a dog with no legs? . . . Call it all you want, it not going to come.
 
Did you hear why they are giving Hot Chocolate and Viagra to elderly gentlemen at the local nursing home right before bed time?

The Hot Chocolate helps them get to sleep, and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed!
 
Just took delivery of a 40' roll of bubblewrap at work.

I asked they boss what he wanted done with it.

"Pop it in the corner" he said.

Took me nearly 6 hours.
 
Illuminated said:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with just his torso touching the water? Doc.
On the floor in front of a door? Matt.
Under the car holding it up? Jack.
In your mailbox? Bill.
Flying out of the ball park? Homer.
With a flatulence problem? Gail.


Okay I'm done.
Click to expand...

In a pile of leaves? Russel.
Same guy a month later? Pete.

Two penguins are in the shower. One says, "Hand me the soap, would you?", to which the other replies, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"

Why didn't the cannibal finish eating the clown? It tasted funny.
 
What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?

Get down.

What did the cow say back?

Mooo!


Dumbest joke ever but still gives me a chuckle to this day!
 
 
Studies show that 69% of people find something dirty in everything.

Edit: and I just reminded myself of that XKCD about 96ing. :D
 
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Something smells like carrots.

What to you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

What do you call a bear with no ear?

A B.

Why did the animals not let the cat run in the race?

Because he was a terrible cheetah!!!
 
Johnny is pestering Sam.
Sam: "Don't!"
Johnny keeps pestering him.
Sam: "Stop!"
Johnny keeps pestering.
Sam: "You're not listening to me!"
Johnny: "I am too. You said don't stop."
 
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In honor of Halloween...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the busy road?

He just didn't have the guts to do it. :D
 
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