Welp, I finally had to call Apple Support last night and to have them put in a return to sender request in with UPS so (hopefully) I can get a refund on my CC.
UPS has NO idea where my iPhone is. The last physical scan, where an actual human scanned my iPhone was Friday in Louisville. There was an arrival scan in Salt Lake City on Saturday morning, but a UPS agent at the UPS Customer Center said that was a "logistical scan", meaning thats where it's supposed to be, not necessarily where it physically is.... WTF? They said for all they know, it's still in Louisville since there have been no new (actual physical, human being with a scanner) scans in Salt Lake City.
UPS and their tracking/scanning/logistics is absolutely appalling. Apple better switch to FedEx, because UPS is jus making them look bad. And they might lose customers because of UPS.... me being one of them.