I'm ready to blow now:
Apple Store Trafford Centre: Had stock, so I could have purchased a new contract and phone (activated) and returned my inactive one to CPW for a refund. Unfortunately, was declined credit check probably due to trying to take out two contracts inside a week. Apple said nothing they could do. O2 customer services said "It's Equifax's decision." - which, as we know, it a load of bollocks.
Carphone Warehouse Instore: Said because I ordered online there's nothing they can do and they have no information on inactive iPhones because it's dealt with my central customer services. Again. No help whatsoever. I also know it's not true because my local CW was able to pull up my details and resubmit for activation on Friday.
Carphone Warehouse Cust. Serv: They say they can only tell us what they know which is that there is a problem and it's being worked on. No timeframe was given for resolution and they didn't know what the problem actually was. Also, I wasn't allowed to speak to a manager.
O2 Customer Services: Still giving the line "there's a backlog - it'll be 24-48 hours." When asked if they'd received my details from CPW they didn't know and advised me to speak to CPW.
Three companies, one product, £249 shared between them - and as my iPhone quite rightly says ... "No Service."
Thanks for the update. Nicely finished post.